Following a disastrous week that included a 4-0 Champions League loss to Milan and getting knocked out of the FA Cup by Sunderland, virtually ensuring a seventh straight year without a trophy for Arsenal, manager Arsene Wenger has addressed growing calls for his resignation.
"There has been a lot of conversation about whether I will remain with Arsenal or leave," Wenger told reporters. "But I will tell you that I am still committed to this project. So committed that I will continue to manage Arsenal until the day Theo Walcott wins the Ballon d'Or or the day Andrei Arshavin scores four goals in a Premier League match again. Whichever comes first. Or at all. Only then will my work here be complete."
Walcott has thus far failed to keep pace with Wenger's own expectations of him developing into a "prolific goalscorer" like Thierry Henry. Arshavin, meanwhile, is the subject of a missing persons case in London that has prompted 12 detectives to suffer psychological breakdowns and leave the Metropolitan Police Service.
The FIFA Ballon d'Or, awarded annually to the footballer voted as the best player over the course of the previous year, has been won by Barcelona's Lionel Messi the last three years in a row. In 2011, Theo Walcott did receive a single vote, though it was ignored as an attempt to undermine the prestige of the award.
"Even if it takes 125 more years, we will stay committed to this project," Wenger continued, fighting back laughter. "Theo and Andrei and I will not leave until we have succeeded and no new players will be brought in so we have no distractions from our goals. I promise."
In related news, Wenger is thought to posses a very limited quantity of the world's only true immortality serum. Experts believe he has exactly enough for three people.