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Future News: Arsene Wenger admits he’s mostly interested in Wayne Rooney out of revenge

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has admitted that his primary interest in wantaway Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney is an unquenchable thirst for revenge. Last summer, Arsenal begrudgingly sold the Premier League's top scorer, Robin van Persie, to the eventual Premier League champions. Now, Wenger craves a chance to turn the tables.

"There are obviously strikers who are cheaper, younger and better than Rooney," Wenger told reporters. "But the opportunity to beat Manchester United with their poster boy makes my body tingle more than listening to Sade's greatest hits at a nudist camp. Normally the thought of spending £200,000 a week on the wages of one player makes me want to crawl into the fetal position and have Steve Bould spray me with a fire hose, but this would be so worth it."

Wenger's admission comes after Arsenal chief executive Ivan Gazidis declared that the club will dramatically increase the funds available to bolster the squad this summer and that they can now afford Rooney's massive cost and more. Manchester United, meanwhile, have denied that Rooney is for sale even though he was excluded from their final match of the season after requesting a transfer for the second time in three years.

"I don't have to waste my time with players like Gervinho and Chamakh anymore," Wenger concluded while standing atop a table. "Now I can buy expensive ones like Rooney and Fernando Torres. I might even pay to have Lionel Messi hypnotized and use him as a goalkeeper. Arsene Wenger has money now and I'm going to spend it like a meth-addicted Qatari sheikh. Eat my cash and repent! Repent!"

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