Dirty Tackle

Future News: Arsenal announce plan to donate all profits to charity just to shut everyone up

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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After revealing a £17.8 million pre-tax profit for the six months to the end of November 2012 and a cash reserve of £123 million, Arsenal announced that they will donate all of the club's profits to a London children's charity.

"Everyone keeps telling us to spend, spend, spend," manager Arsene Wenger told reporters. "Well, now we will. But instead of spending it on overpriced and overpaid footballers in the pursuit of ultimately worthless trophies, we are putting the money to good use and giving it all to a local children's charity. So there you go. You can't complain about us not buying top players now because you'll look like an awful person if you do. Suck on that for a while."

"Would watching grown men win a pot make you feel better than allowing a needy child to eat or sleep in a warm bed at night?" asked Wenger. "Would it? Nothing to say now, huh? No clever joke about empty trophy cabinets to tell in a Facebook tweet? That's what I thought."

Arsenal fans have grown increasingly impatient with the club after going eight years without winning any silverware and selling off some of their best players while ticket prices are the highest in the Premier League. Complaints have only increased as Arsenal currently sit fifth in the table and were knocked out of the FA Cup by Championship side Blackburn.

"We've been urging the club to put the cash reserves to good use for some time now," said a spokesman for the Arsenal Supporters Trust. "And we are proud that the club is helping a wonderful cause. Definitely, really proud. But... Football... Football is, uh... Well..."

When one journalist asked if Arsenal's decision was inspired by David Beckham's recent announcement that he would donate his entire PSG salary to a Parisian children's charity, Wenger gave him the finger and walked out.

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