FIFA, the governing body of world football, has agreed to implement Bite Line Technology (BLT) for all future professional matches involving Luis Suarez.
At the 2014 FIFA World Cup, officials were aided by technological advances including goal line technology, vanishing spray and the comically large Hublot substitution board. From now on, whenever the Uruguay striker is on the field, the referee will wear a special watch that immediately indicates whether he has behaved like an anxious dog or a confused toddler at day care.
"According to the statutes of the game, a Suarez bite is only official if his incisors leave a mark on the victim's skin and he vehemently denies doing anything wrong in the aftermath," a FIFA spokesperson said. "This technology will allow the official to correctly identify a bite, which is punishable by red card and a media savaging."
"When BLT is activated, the player earns a short ban. Then, he returns and plays really well for a few months and lets everybody forget what an abhorrent person he is."
"The FIFA delegates got so hammered at Applebees last night that we all went out and bought jetskis. Are you still recording?" he added.
BLT is designed to remove the possibility of controversial "Ghost Bites," such as the one that Suarez performed on Giorgio Chiellini at the 2013 Confederations Cup. It will also drastically reduce the hilariously unconvincing pro-Suarez stances of the Uruguayan media and Football Association.
There has been some criticism of BLT — mainly based around the problem of giving it such a delicious-sounding name — but it is set to pave the way for new advances including video replays, cyborg referees and convenient one-click electronic transfers for FIFA bribes.
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