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Dirty Tackle

Football clubs discover secret to increased popularity: Cats

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Catles Puryol, the Camp Nou cat (left) and Andy Cattoll, the Anfield cat.

Football is the world's game, but like any sport, it's appeal is not fully universal. The Internet, meanwhile, has proven that two things are more popular than all else: pornography and cats. And since mixing pornography with football would run against numerous public indecency laws in various parts of the world, that means football executives have no choice but to add cats to the game in order to push it to the next level.

With that said, it should be abundantly clear that two of the planet's most popular clubs each having a feline pitch invader within three days of one another is no coincidence. On Saturday, a black cat scampered up the pitch during Barcelona's 2-1 win over Real Sociedad at the Camp Nou. On Monday, Liverpool had a generously whiskered puss stroll around the pitch during their 0-0 draw against Spurs at Anfield. It instantly became the most talked about element of the match and within hours, the Anfield cat had several different Twitter accounts with tens of thousands of followers. The response was immediate and clear -- people ache for this merger between soccer and cats.

Now that the groundwork is in place, the evolution of this beloved combination can flourish. And the definitive path of this fruitful union will develop like so:

-"Kitty Invaders" are released in pairs whenever a match goes 10 minutes without a shot on goal. They run until they are caught or until everyone in the stadium takes a picture of them with their phone.

-All managers are replaced by elderly house cats. There is controversy when England's national team is coached by a Brazilian shorthair.

-Actual football is only played during halftime of matches, sandwiched between two 45-minute periods of sleepy kittens yawning and stretching on the pitch. Extra time is abolished for fear of a cuteness overload.

-Football journalists and reporters no longer conduct interviews and convey opinions on the game. Instead, they add several words of intentionally misspelled imaginary quotations to the funniest pictures of the day's most prominent soccer cats. On television, they say those quotations in a variety of goofy voices without smiling.

-Footballers' wages rapidly decline as their duties are reduced to emptying litter boxes and refilling water bowls. Yet, the job's level of fame and prestige only grows as they are the people closest to the cats during matches.

-Humanity willingly and gleefully surrenders absolute power to the soccer cats. When the planet slides into irreversible disrepair, the remaining humans evacuate the cats to another, more habitable planet in the hopes that they bring football to a race of intelligent beings unfamiliar with the joys of cats.

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