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Dirty Tackle

Features that should be in EA Sports’ 2014 World Cup video game

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

EA Sports released the first trailer for the upcoming 2014 FIFA World Cup Brazil video game. The company promises this game will have "unprecedented depth and authenticity" and to help them assure the veracity of that claim, here are some features they might want to implement before the game's April release.

Realistic stadium atmosphere — Hear fans shout abhorrent insults at players in a variety of languages and sit through stoppages of play when fights break out in the stands.

Critique the pitch — When playing as Spain, use the D-pad to choose from dozens of complaints about pitch hydration and grass length that Xavi can make during poor performances.

Zlatanpocalyse — Non-playable character Zlatan Ibrahimovic will occasionally appear out of nowhere during matches to kick all participants and unleash his vengeful wrath since he has been excluded from the 2014 FIFA World Cup.

Hotel room boredom — Help your players pass the time while spending day after day stuck in their hotel rooms by playing EA Sports' FIFA 14 against each other. Develop their skills playing the game within the game and become hotel console champion.

Corporate synergy — Through your Xbox Kinect or Playstation Eye device, you can feel like you're in the stadium by being subjected to the restrictions of FIFA's corporate partners. If you attempt to eat or drink anything that wasn't purchased from an official 2014 World Cup sponsor, the game will refuse to let you play!

FIFA ExCo mode — Put your ethics to the test and rise through the ranks of football's governing body by eating human babies. Fend off accusations of corruption while trying to make it all the way to FIFA Executive Committee for the FIFA World Cup, where you can watch every match in the company of prostitutes and yes men of your choice.

Activist mode — Protest government corruption and FIFA exploitation of your country in 12 highly detailed authentic city streets. Defend yourself against police brutality and get the attention of international media outlets with a variety of banners and chants.

Choose your country — Start as a highly touted 18-year-old with tenuous connections to 10 different nationalities. Choose the one that will help your club career the most and ride your international success to lucrative contracts and endorsements.

Road home from the FIFA World Cup — After your team is eliminated from the tournament, endure the country's press and fans as they mock and dissect your many failings. Shield your loved ones from death threats against your family and select disguises to wear while food shopping.

EA Sports social media stream — Dynamic tournament updates from a number of journalists and spectators prone to hyperbole and irrational snap judgements. Includes thousands of messages that range from "Lionel Messi still hasn't won the World Cup? Overrated!" to "HODGSON OUT!!!!!!!!!" and "My hotel room in Brazil doesn't have a memory foam mattress! This is the worst thing I have ever experienced and you should weep over my suffering!"

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

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