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Dirty Tackle

Everything you need to know about Michu, the greatest everything ever

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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In the six months since Swansea striker Michu joined the Premier League, he has gone from an unknown to the benchmark by which all other signings are measured. The Spaniard only cost the Welsh club £2 million yet his 13 goals in 20 league matches have only been topped by Robin van Persie and Luis Suarez. This has prompted fawning adulation and many have called him one of the greatest bargains ever. But what do we really know about the Michu? Here is all the information we assume to be true about the 26-year-old.

-Born in Oviedo, Spain, Michu played for Real Oviedo, Celta Vigo and Rayo Vallecano before joining Swansea. Over four seasons in the Segunda Division and one in La Liga, he scored 30 goals in 140 league matches (again, he has 13 in 20 games this season).

-His full name is Miguel Perez Cuesta, but the last person who called him that was mysteriously decapitated by a grapefruit.

-Capable of playing as an attacking midfielder, striker, savior, hooker with a heart of gold, sassy grandmother or janitor who is actually the smartest kid in school.

-If you don't have him in your fantasy team, you are an idiot and everyone who does can't wait to tell you.

-Spain has so many great footballers that no one in the country -- not even Michu's parents -- knew he existed until he started scoring goals in the Premier League. As of December, he has drawn the attention of Spain manager Vicente Del Bosque and his parents will be shown a picture of him within the next few weeks.

-He will keep playing exactly this well forever. Unless he somehow redefines all measurements of success and plays even better.

-Fernando Torres considers every aspect of Michu's existence to be a personal insult against him.

-God gave him acne just so he would have a human flaw.

-Though Lionel Messi had no plans to have a second child, he has begun attempts to conceive with his girlfriend just so he can name the baby after Michu. Regardless of the child's gender.

-Swansea manager Michael Laudrup spends his evenings trying to devise a way to literally chain Michu to the club in a way that won't prevent him from traveling with the team or violate any pesky false imprisonment laws.

-Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger recently admitted that he had heard of Michu before he signed for Swansea. "He was a guy who disappeared a little bit," Wenger said. "He was in clubs where he was bombed out and so you always think: 'OK, he doesn't make it there, why should he make it here?'"

-Never feed Michu after midnight or get him wet. Never.

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