The following is a copy of the letter that Eden Hazard (the budding egomaniac) sent to Chelsea upon tweeting his decision to join the Champions League winners...
What's up Chelsea,
I'd like to congratulate you on winning the most prestigious title in all of European football. And how exciting that this comes just weeks after you won the Champions League for the first time! Yes, I am awarding you the honor of flying the Chelsea flag under the banner of Eden Hazard's new mega football club. I remain incredibly impressed by the number of concessions you are making to allow for my ungodly combination of youth and skill to take over your London based operation. I promise you, I will not let myself down.
Upon receiving this letter, after the initial wave of ridiculous excitement subsides, I am sure your club's handlers will be running through the gamut of promotional money-making opportunities that have just been bestowed upon them. These include but are certainly not limited to:
-A redux of the Champions League parade where John Terry and Frank Lampard hoist me above their heads atop a double decker bus and Roman Abromovich thanks me over the PA system for allowing him to front my massive wage bill. The crowd goes wild.
-Billboards placed in the city of every other major European football club reading "YOU LOSE."
-A run of television adverts with an inspirational Coldplay melody blaring in the background and footage of myself eating chocolates and juggling a football.
-A guest appearance on Jersey Shore where I will be given the nickname "The Sex Hazard." In exchange, my identical twin, The Situation, will play a Carling Cup game for the club.
-A print campaign based around this simple mathematical equation: "Hazard >>>>> Messi + Ronaldo."
Again, these are just a couple of ideas I have drafted off the top of my head. Given more time I would surely be able to come up with ideas that are better than any other ideas any other human could conceive.
In closing I would like to offer you the chance to put nine other outfield players around me on the field for most games next year. I recognize that you probably did not expect to have to do this but what you will learn about me is that I am very team oriented and would be happy to have other players feed me the ball so I can score all of the goals. I appreciate that you probably thought that signing Eden Hazard would allow you to cut all of your other players and save some money but I think it would actually be better for me if there were more players on the team besides myself. Thank me, and again, congratulations!
- Sports & Recreation
- Eden Hazard