DT’s horrible holiday gift guide: Fulham’s chairman gnome, USB stick and creepy postcard

Throughout the holiday season, we will be trawling official club shops for the items that will make the very best gift ideas for the very worst people on your list. This week: Random Mohamed Al Fayed stuff.

Everyone knows that club chairmen are the true stars of football that every child idolizes and every lifelong supporter pays good money to watch each week. Fulham chairman Mohamed Al Fayed understands this. And so the man who put a statue of Michael Jackson outside a football ground brings you the equally sensical Mohamed Al Fayed collection.

First is the Chairman Gnome statue (pictured above). It's Fulham chairman Mohamed Al Fayed as a 12-inch gnome. Because what other product would a company possibly make? And priced at £17.99 in Fulham's official online store, you really can't find a better deal on Mohamed Al Fayed gnome statues anywhere else. But if that's a little out of your price range this holiday season, there are more reasonably priced yet just as Mohamed Al Fayed-y options available.

Now, you're probably thinking, "Well, that chairman gnome statue would be fantastic IF it were cheaper and actually a 2GB USB stick." Well you are in luck you weird, weird person. Priced at £9.99 is the Chairman 2GB USB stick...

"OK," I'm sure you'll say. "I like the '.99' part, but you're still losing me with the '9' bit AND the fact that Mohamed Al Fayed is being depicted as fully clothed on both of these items." Once again, Fulham have you covered...

That image burning itself into your memory forever and ever is the Chairman Postcard, priced at £0.99. It features Mohamed Al Fayed's smiling head photoshopped onto the body of a muscular man wearing a Speedo with a Fulham boxing glove covering his junk under the words "Full Mo-nty!" and a stand full of fans as a backdrop. And if you weren't already ordering a thousand of these for all of your friends and family, you should know that all the proceeds from the Chairman Postcard are donated to Prostate Cancer Research (proceeds from the other two items, however, go to Mohamed Al Fayed).

Who would actually want any of these things besides Mohamed Al Fayed himself? Probably no one. But I would be lying if I said I wouldn't buy each and every one of these items if they depicted Roman Abramovich instead.

Thanks to Simon for the tip!

If you have any suggestions for DT's horrible holiday gift guide, drop us a line at dirtytackle[at]gmail.com.

Previously: The Anfield Stadium shirt