The FIFA/Coca-Cola World Rankings for September 2013 have been released, inflicting the usual mixture of inexplicability and befuddlement. So instead of wasting any time on them, we've created the DT/Generic Carbonated Sugar Drink* World Rankings. They might not have a "mathematical formula" or "definable organization" to them, but they make far more sense than whatever FIFA is doing.
1. Afghanistan — They beat India 2-0 to win the South Asian Football Federation Championship, the country's first international football trophy. And then they fired AK-47s to celebrate. They get to be first.
1Z. Zlatan Ibrahimovic — He scored in less than 30 seconds against Kazakhstan and made headlines with extracts from his two-year-old autobiography I am Zlatan. You did neither of these things.
1Bench. Iker Casillas — There is no escape for San Iker.
2. Brazil — Even if all their matches are meaningless these days, they beat Spain convincingly enough in the Confederations Cup final to be ranked higher than them.
3. Spain — Told you.
4. Belgium — If you add up their players' transfer fees, Belgium are the third most expensive team behind the two previously listed. That's all that matters, right?
5. Mesut Ozil — Mesut with his Arsenal teammates...
6. Gareth Bale — Gareth with his Real Madrid teammates...
7-6= Cristiano Ronaldo — (this entry written by Cristiano Ronaldo)
2-0. Columbus, Ohio
0. France — Karim Benzema has gone 1,217 minutes without scoring for his country. France ended a five-match scoreless streak by beating Belarus 4-2 (Benzema did not play).
:/ Mexico's new coach Victor Manuel Vucetich
Floating in a netherworld of numberless uncertainty: England — Everything is awful, but they're still undefeated and atop their (mediocre) group. Don't try to understand it.
(*Real sponsors welcome)