Much has been made of Frank Lampard's time sitting on the bench this season. He reportedly reached a breaking point near the end of Chelsea's 4-1 win against Swansea City last weekend and "stormed off" after Andre Villas-Boas used his last sub on Josh McEachran and not him. The following is a transcript of what actually took place in the closing minutes of that match.
AVB: Yes? Who are you?
Lampard: I'm Frank! I wore a name tag all last week, how do you still not know my name?
AVB: What do you want, Dave?
Lampard: Since I'm not playing and I just finished reading the complete works of George R.R. Martin, do you mind if I go to the bathroom? And, again, my name is Frank.
AVB: I do mind, Jerry.
Lampard: Frank! And why do you mind? It's the 80th minute, we're up by two, we've only got one substitution left and Josh is sitting right next to me.
AVB: I might want to use you instead, Tim. Just hold it for 10 more minutes.
Lampard: I don't think I can, though.
AVB: Of course you can. I have faith in you, Bill.
AVB: OK, Josh -- go in for Raul.
McEachran: Yes, boss.
Lampard: What?! I thought you didn't want me to go to the bathroom because you were going to put me in?!
AVB: Sorry, Leslie. Changed my mind.
Lampard: Well, now can I go? We're still up by two and I couldn't even enter the match anyway since you just used our last sub. Please?
AVB: No dice, Philben.
Lampard: Frank! My name is Frank! And I'm going to the bathroom because if I don't, my bladder will explode like trinitrotoluene!
AVB: Darren, wait.
Lampard: What? What do you want from me?
Lampard: What?! I really have to go! Speak!
AVB: I forgot your name.
Lampard: I'm going to use your office as a toilet.