Palermo owner Maurizio Zamparini has confirmed that former Italy midfielder Gennaro Gattuso will be the relegated club's next manager. The partnership will likely be equivalent to two pythons trying to swallow each other whole inside a missile silo filled with Mentos and Diet Coke as Zamparini has made 25 managerial changes in his 11 years at Palermo and Gattuso has never met an older man he wouldn't physically assault. The following is a transcript of Gattuso's job interview with Zamparini.
Zamparini: Thank you for coming in, Gennaro. As someone who has interviewed many, many managers over the years, I have this process down to a very precise science. So if you're ready, we will begin.
Gattuso: [repeatedly slaps himself in the face] Ready.
Zamparini: OK then. On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don't even think about it. Just name it. Ready? One, two, three.
Gattuso and Zamparini: T-Rex.
Zamparini: Excellent. Finish this sentence. People are...
Gattuso: Infuriating creatures that you must grab by the neck and berate until the veins in your neck snap like rubberbands around a fat man's waist.
Zamparini: Exactly. If I hired you on a Tuesday, sacked you on Wednesday and then offered you the job again on Thursday, would you find that strange?
Gattuso: No. Drastic mood swings are perfectly normal.
Zamparini: So I take it you agree that stability is only for chairs and successful Jenga towers?
Gattuso: Until you destroy them in a fit of rage, yes.
Zamparini: Last question. If you could have one job in medieval times, what would it be?
Gattuso and Zamparini: Executioner!
Zamparini: Did we just become best friends?
Zamparini: Do you want to go sack random people who work for the club?
Gattuso: Can we scream in their faces when we do it?
Zamparini: Of course.
Gattuso: Then let me think. Uh, yep!
Zamparini: Rino, you're hired! And you're sacked! Hahahahaha
Gattuso: I accept! And I will tear every last hair out of your leathery scalp! Hahahahaha
Gattuso and Zamparini: Hahahahahaha!
Zamparini: I can't wait until I inevitably hate you.
Gattuso: [headbutts Zamparini to express agreement and joy]
- Maurizio Zamparini