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DT Exclusive: The Premier League owners’ secret relegation meeting

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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The news has been filled with breathless reports that the Premier League's foreign owners are eager to trample all that English football stands for in order to protect their investments by ending the promotion/relegation system and sealing their clubs off in a bubble of limitless cash. With 14 of 20 owners (plus the small matter of the FA's blessing) needed to make the change, they all got together recently in a secret hideout inside a volcano to have their vote. The following is a transcript of that meeting.

Glazer: Gentlemen, the votes have been tallied on Evil Plan No. 2734-b and, I'm sorry to say, only five voted in favor of abolishing relegation, while 15 voted against.

Henry: But the press is so sure relegation was in danger of being abolished. Surely you counted wrong.

Rao: Randy Lerner voted "no" even though he's a nefarious foreigner who doesn't understand the game like us.

Fernandes: That can't be right. Everyone on the Internet is freaking out about losing the relegation system. And as we all know, the fears of the Internet are always rooted in 100 percent factual truth!

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Kroenke: Now now, gents. Obviously an egregious error has been made here. I say that we assume we have somewhere around the votes required like the media says and just move on with our plans to destroy this sport.

Glazer: Sure. That settles it! No more relegation. Now, let's get back to the matter of players using their hands instead of their feet...

Prince William on a horse: Stop! In the name of my grandmother!

Gourlay: Mr. Abramovich says: "Prince William! What are you doing here?!"

Prince William: As president of the Football Association, I have come to shoot down your plans to ruin football! (Throws sword at Phil Gartside)

Sheikh Mansour: William, Phil was in favor of abolishing relegation, but he was English.

Prince William: Oh. Well, uh, do you think he'll be OK?

Lerner: He has a sword in his chest.

Prince William: Hmm, well, just stop doing what you're doing here.

Short: To be honest, we don't even know why we're here, either. Everyone started talking about these quotes from someone who isn't even a club owner and was looking to do a bit of fear mongering, so we figured we should, you know, follow through.

Prince William: Alright. Anyway, if anyone asks about the sword thing, I wasn't here. (Whips steed.) Pippa away!

Photo: AP

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