The main problem with professional football is that the top players simply don't get enough opportunities to massage their own egos. The second biggest problem is that they don't get enough opportunities to win things. If you don't count all the games, leagues and cups, that is.
The self-congratulationfest will be hosted by loveable rogue James Corden (because of course it will) and it shall celebrate all the top moments from the season. It's going to be a "top night" with plenty of "bantz." Believe.
Some of the categories have already been announced, but DT's moles have managed to obtain a leaked document revealing some of the gongs that will be handed out, and the provisional nominees. Here they are for your consideration...
Best Summer Transfer Saga
Nominees: Gareth Bale (Tottenham to Real Madrid), Wayne Rooney (Manchester Utd to not David Moyes), Luis Suarez (Liverpool to Champions League), Robert Lewandowski (Borussia Dortmund to Ze Enemy)
DT's tip to win: Not only was Gareth Bale the only one of the nominees to actually pull off his summer deal, but it took so long that several generations of tortoises died during the negotiations. A win for the Welshman!
Most Improved Simulation
Nominees: Luis Suarez, Eden Hazard, Ashley Young, Andy Carroll, Daniel Sturridge
DT's tip to win: There are plenty of proficient floppers to choose from, but the smart money for this gong is on Daniel Sturridge, who has come on leaps and dives bounds in the past calendar year. Fernando Torres is rumored to be furious for being snubbed in this category, as he feels his diving have been world class in he games he's actually played.
DT's tip to win: Liverpool's Raheem Sterling is a front runner with his pre-season De La Soul tribute act, and Nicklas Bendtner deserves an honourable mention for the sumo wrestler do that is currently distracting us from his awfulness, but Karim Benzema will take some beating here with his attempt to audition for Two-Face in the next Batman reboot.
The Stephen Ireland's Grandmother Memorial Award for Pimpest Ride
Nominees: Cristiano Ronaldo (matte-black Lamborghini Aventador), Mario Balotelli (Ferrari F12berlinetta), Samuel Eto'o (rarer-than-unicorn-poop Aston Martin One-77), Steven Nzonzi (matte-black Audi Q7)
DT's tip to win: The biggest off-the-field battle among professional footballers is always for the most obnoxiously expensive car, and this year has been as strong as any other. Stoke's Steven Nzonzi is our dark horse selection here, not for his run-of-the-mill Audi Q7 SUV (ringmaster Rio has sixteen of them in matte black), but for the panache with which he hits cyclists in it. Get a heavily customised real car, you two-wheeled hippie!
LAD of the year
Nominees: Gabby Agbonlahor (taking out NotHarry from One Direction LAD), Ashley Cole (charmng the ladies of Missouri LAD), Guly do Prado (driving his Porsche while "erratically drunk" at 4am LAD), Jan Vertonghen (de-pantsing Nicklas Helenius LAD), Phil Bardsley (bathing in £50 notes on a casino floor LAD and openly mocking his own club's losses via social media LAD), Edgar Davids (Playboy Mansion LAD), Sylvain Distin (cheating on mother of child by pretending to be a milkman LAD)
DT's tip to win: If The Footies are The Oscars, then the LAD of the Year is the Best Actor award. Every man in the room wants to be top LAD. It's an extremely strong field, but Sylvain Distin might just be our favorite for his services to making up implausible cover stories for infidelity. Gabby Agbonlahor would have been a shoe-in if only he had gotten three ladies pregnant simultaneously within the voting period, but that isn't the way the LAD cookie has crumbled.
Most likely to lose his job for launching awards shows instead of concentrating on football
DT's tip to win: Hmmm.
- Sports & Recreation
- Nicklas Bendtner
- Rio Ferdinand
- Luis Suarez
- Gareth Bale
- Daniel Sturridge
- Karim Benzema
- Raheem Sterling