Santos have accepted two offers for Neymar, leaving the final decision on where Brazil's most celebrated young talent will go up to the player. The clubs that made the offers have not been revealed, but one is thought to be Barcelona. The other, however, might surprise. The following is a transcript of Neymar hearing the offers from Barcelona president Sandro Rosell and Wigan Athletic chairman Dave Whelan.
Neymar: I was told that you both made acceptable offers to Santos, so now I must decide which club will help me make this big step in my career. This will be a very difficult decision, so please tell me everything I need to know.
Rosell: Of course. Although, it shouldn't take much to convince you to join Barcelona.
Whelan: I'm not telling you my bank details or where I buy my shoes, so you can forget that.
Neymar: Oh. I wouldn't ask either of those things. First, how many trophies did your clubs win this season?
Rosell: Well, just the one — the league title. But next season, with you in the team, we will surely be Champions League winners once again and challenge for the treble.
Whelan: We also won one trophy — the same number as Barcelona — except we won the FA Cup, which is obviously better.
Rosell: And how can you say that?
Whelan: Because I broke my leg in the 1960 FA Cup final. Did you ever break your leg in the Spanish league?
Rosell: No, but-
Whelan: I rest my case.
Neymar: Next. I must say that I don't want to play in the Premier League. I don't think it will suit my style of play.
Whelan: Well we won't be playing in the Premier League next season, so that works out nicely.
Neymar: Oh. I thought you played in the Premier League.
Whelan: Not anymore, Femur.
Neymar: It's Neymar.
Whelan: No it's not. Look, Knee Car, Wigan is the place to be. Anyone with sense will tell you that. We have everything you could possibly want in a new home. Rugby, the World Pie Eating Championship, there's probably a petting zoo somewhere nearby.
Rosell: Neymar, I don't know about all that. But I do know that Lionel Messi is very excited about the idea of playing with you. Together, you two would be unstoppable.
Whelan: And Gary Caldwell probably wants to play with you too. I mean, I haven't asked him yet, but he probably does. He gets on with most people.
Neymar: One thing I'm very concerned about is the weather and the playing conditions, I know Barcelona is very nice, but how is your city, Mr. Whelan?
Whelan: People always say Barcelona is the Wigan of Spain. So that should tell you everything right there.
Rosell: I have never heard anyone say that in my life. People don't say that, Neymar.
Whelan: I say it all the time. Look how this man lies to you, Nine Bar.
Rosell: This is ridiculous. Neymar, the choice is obvious. One club before you is one of the most prestigious in all of Europe, has the greatest players in the world and can actually pay your wages. The other-
Whelan: Is Barcelona.
Rosell: That is not what I was going to say!
Neymar: Enough. Please. After everything I've heard, I must say that I still can't decide. If you had to sum up your club in one word, what would it be?
Whelan: Broken leg.
Rosell: That's two words!
Whelan: And you just said three more, what's your point?
Neymar: These arguments are both very compelling. I simply cannot decide.
Florentino Perez: Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear what was being said and as an independent third party, Neymar, you should sign for Wigan.
Rosell: Neymar, this is the president of Real Madrid! He just doesn't want you to sign for us!
Neymar: OK, I've reached a decision.
Rosell: What is it?!
Whelan: Wait. I've changed my mind, Tyler. We don't want you anymore. You can't come to Wigan.
Neymar: No. No!!!
Whelan: Sorry, but I'm not sorry.
Neymar: Fine. I guess I'll sign for my second choice then.