Mario Gomez scored a total of 80 goals in 97 appearances over his previous two seasons with Bayern Munich. This season, he's taken a backseat to Mario Mandzukic but has still scored 13 in just 24 appearances across all competitions, including a six-minute hat trick after coming on for Mandzukic in the 77th minute of Bayern's 6-1 DFB Pokal semifinal win against Wolfsburg. Bayern manager Jupp Heynckes' response to this impressive display? "We've seen that when Mandzukic is tired, I still have options." Ouch. The following is a transcript of Gomez's latest attempt to get Heynckes to properly recognize his prolific talents.
Gomez: See that, boss? Three goals in six minutes. Pretty amazing, right?
Gomez: Meh? How are you not impressed by that?
Heynckes: Instead of winning 3-1, we won 6-1. That's like having sex with six people instead of three people. At that point it's all just things going into even more things. Plus, Mandzukic scored in the 17th minute and you didn't score your first goal until the 80th minute. He beat you by a lot of minutes.
Gomez: Because you only put me in the match when you took him off!
Heynckes: Still...it's a lot of minutes.
Gomez: Whatever. Look. I want to start more. I deserve to start more. I've scored a ridonkulous amount of goals for this club -- more than any other player in the Bundesliga over the last two seasons combined. How can you be comfortable leaving that on the bench?
Heynckes: Well, for one thing the season's not over and we've already won the league. So, boom, case closed. But two, everyone on this team scores a lot of goals. Claudio Pizarro had four in one game a few weeks ago. For the record, that's better than your three.
Gomez: He started that match! I didn't start against Wolfsburg!
Heynckes: Still...it's more.
Gomez: OK. Fine! I hoped it wouldn't come to this but I have prepared several other reasons why I should start more. Number one: I have the hair of a person with perfect hair. Number two: I'm good at making lists...
Heynckes: I don't have time for this, Marco. Marco? Marnio? Mario. I meant to say Mario. You can tell me the rest when you're sitting behind me while we score 12 goals in our next match.
Gomez: That's it. I can't wait until Pep Guardiola gets here.
Heynckes: What did you say? That name. You dare speak that name in my presence?
Gomez: I do dare. Guardiola is going to be so much better than you. I can't wait until he gets here. He'll appreciate me.
Heynckes: You think the man who would start 12 midfielders if he could will appreciate you?
Heynckes: You're sure about that?
Heynckes: And why is that?
Gomez: I have my own internet button.
Heynckes: I have no idea how to respond to that. I'm going to walk away now.
Gomez: Mario Gomez!