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DT Exclusive: Man City’s negotiation with Owen Hargreaves

Dirty Tackle

It seems Owen Hargreaves' series of YouTube training videos to prove his fitness has finally worked as Man City had him undergo a medical on Tuesday. If City offer him a contract, he will be the latest player to switch from Man United to Man City, following Carlos "Welcome to Manchester" Tevez. The following is a transcript of Hargreaves' negotiations with City executive Garry Cook.

Cook: Owen, I have the results of your medical here.

Hargreaves: Yeah? How'd I do? I'm in the best shape of my life.

Cook: It says you have the body of an 87-year-old car crash victim riddled with scurvy. And that you're legally dead.

Hargreaves: Is that good?

Cook: No. But the great news is that we hate United so much that willing to overlook this so we can use you against them.

Hargreaves: Use me how?

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Cook: Well, we were hoping you would be able to actually play football, but we are prepared to just give you a kit, put you on a billboard and maybe catapult your mangled body at Wayne Rooney from time to time. How does that sound?

Hargreaves: Amazing!

Cook: Good, good. Now for the matter of money. What kind of wages are you looking for, Owen?

Hargreaves: Well, I offered to play for United for free, so with City, I would only ask for....£250,000 a week?

Cook: That's certainly reasonable. I think we might be able to work something out here that benefits all of us. Except United, because we hate them so much. Really. We really, really, really hate them.

Hargreaves: OK.

Cook: Oh, one last question that I was told I have to ask all potential signings now -- do you like the city of Manchester and are you aware that it has more than two restaurants?

Hargreaves: Yes, I love Manchester. But I can't say I know too much about the restaurants. I usually just eat at Hospital. They've had a few head chef changes over the last few years, but their feeding tubes are consistently delicious.

Cook: O...K. Well, I'm confident we'll be able to work something out here, Owen. You'll be hearing from us very soon.

Hargreaves: Excellent! Also, my arm just fell off.

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