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DT Exclusive: Liverpool interview candidates to replace Kenny Dalglish

Dirty Tackle

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Liverpool owner John W. Henry with his wife Linda. (Getty)

Despite his regal status and winning the Carling Cup, Liverpool have sacked Kenny Dalglish, whose second stint as manager of the club lasted less than two years. Now faced with the daunting task of finding a manager to return the club to past glory, Liverpool owner John W. Henry must sift through the candidates to find the best one. The following is a transcript of his first group interview.

Henry: Thank you all for coming in today. You've all been asked here because we feel you are the best prospects to succeed a club legend and bring Liverpool the success we demand. Before we continue, Mr. Berbatov, I realize you're leaving Manchester United, but you should know that we're not looking to hire a player-manager here.

Berbatov: Oh, I'm not here for the job.

Henry: Then why are you here?

Berbatov: (To Linda) Well hello there. I see you've caught me crashing a job interview. Like me, you look good in red, but probably look even better out of it. Ha-HA!

Henry: Please don't talk to my wife like that. You can leave now.

Berbatov: Oh-OHHH! That's your wife?! I thought she was the sultry ghost of Anfield that only I could see, but anyone could seduce. Oh, this is terrible.

[Berbatov leaves through a window]

Henry: Anyway, I thank all of you who were actually invited for coming in. Now let's get to the first question. What would you bring to Liverpool that the other candidates wouldn't?

Roberto Martinez: I can guarantee that I will get Liverpool playing like a side doomed to relegation for the vast majority of the season and then save them from that terrible fate at the last possible moment. I will be hailed as a hero.

Henry: We'd like to think our team is far better than that, Roberto.

Martinez: And I would like to think I'm interviewing for the Man City job. But I'm not.

Henry: Fine. Brendan Rodgers?

Rodgers: I can bring a very attractive style of attacking football that will get the most out of the players available. I can turn Liverpool into Barcelona. The Barcelona that won titles, I mean.

Andre Villas-Boas: I have more money than I can count. Seriously. I started counting my payout the day I was sacked by Chelsea and I still haven't finished. Bank tellers start crying when I crouch down in front of them. And then they get really confused when I keep doing it.

Rafa Benitez: (coughs) Istanbul...

Henry: I'm sorry, what was that, Rafa?

Benitez: Istanbul.

[Rafa crosses his arms and leans back in his chair, falling over.]

Henry: Oh my -- Rafa, are you alright?

Benitez: (still on the floor) I am fine. I did that on purpose. Like when I quit Liverpool just so everyone would see how much the club needs me. Fact!

Henry: That's not a fact at all.

Bearded Man: I know this club better than anyone. Especially better than a four-eyed Yank.

Henry: Kenny, I can tell that's you wearing a fake beard. The left side is falling off.

Bearded Man: The name's Denny Kalglish...Pope Denny Kalglish.

Benitez: I knew you were real.

Henry: Kenny, as I said before -- I'm very sorry things didn't turn out better, but we simply must move on. And you should too.

Kalglish: Though Kenny Dalglish is a very handsome and intelligent man who collects Carling Cups like the valuable, impressive trophies that they are, I am not him. I am Pope Denny Dalglish- Kalglish! I meant Kalglish. And this job is mine.

Benitez: Wrong again, Kalglish.

Henry: Gentlemen, please! I'd like to get on with this interview if you don't mind. Now. We've had trouble with overpaying in the transfer market for players who underperform. How would you describe your style of business in that area?

Martinez: Shrewd.

Villas-Boas: Alienating.

Rodgers: I consider spotting undervalued talent to be one of my best attributes.

Benitez: I sold Xabi Alonso. And I broke this chair.

[Benitez falls forward, slamming his head on the table.]

Kalglish: Just let me sign Grant Holt for £85 million and everything will be fine!

Benitez: (From under the table) I will sign Alberto Aquilani for £90 million and that is my final offer!

Henry: We still own him! Look, it's become clear that this was a mistake. I'm sorry gentlemen, but we're going to go about this process a very different way.

Kalglish: So do I get the job?

Henry: No.

Benitez: Because I get it?

Henry: (Sighs) We should've bought Blackburn.

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