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Dirty Tackle

DT Exclusive: Jose Mourinho’s attempt to get Everton to return Romelu Lukaku early

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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For the second year in a row, Chelsea have sent 20-year-old striker Romelu Lukaku on a season-long loan. Last season, he scored 17 Premier League goals for West Brom — more than Chelsea's other strikers Fernando Torres and Demba Ba. This season, Lukaku has already scored three times in two league appearances while Torres, Ba and new addition Samuel Eto'o have yet to score one Premier League goal between the three of them. And on top of that, Torres is now out for three weeks with a knee injury. The following is a transcript of Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho's attempt to convince Everton manager Roberto Martinez to return Lukaku now rather than at the end of the season.

Mourinho: Roberto. How are you?

Martinez: Quite well, Jose. Quite well. We're the only unbeaten club in the Premier League, we're in the top four...and we even beat you.

Mourinho: Yes, this is a regular fantasy dream come true for you, isn't it? Well, dream time is over. It is now time to return to reality where I am better and Gareth Barry is a pumpkin. Give back Lukaku.

Martinez: Pardon me?

Mourinho: Give back Lukaku. He is Chelsea player so he should play for Chelsea. Give him back and I will let you text message me for life advice one time in 2014. This is good deal.

Martinez: I'm sorry, Jose, but we agreed to a season-long loan and we intend to stick to that arrangement. There is no call-back clause in the deal.

Mourinho: Who put you up to this? Pepperpot Guardiola? Juan Mata? Tell me who.

Martinez: Put me up to what? This is a loan deal like any other. I'm sorry your strikers aren't performing, but you didn't really expect Samuel Eto'o to make an immediate impact after collecting world record wages at a Russian outpost for two years, did you?

Mourinho: No, but I did expect you to shut up.

Martinez: What?

Mourinho: That's it. I don't know how I didn't see it sooner. You also signed Gerard Deulofeu on loan this season, did you not?

Martinez: Yes, but...

Mourinho: And what club loaned him to you? Did he fall from the sky like a Sergio Ramos penalty kick from 2012?

Martinez: No. Deulofeu was loaned to us by Barce-

Mourinho: BARCELONA! I knew it. This is another UNICEF conspiracy against Jose Mourinho. Now they are stealing my players and giving them to poor children like Leon Osman. You don't know what you have gotten yourself into with this.

Martinez: Jose, I really don't have time for this. We have a deal. Lukaku will remain with us for the rest of the season and then you will have him back, hopefully as an even better player than he is now.

Mourinho: I will give you Juan Mata if you give me back Lukaku. As long as you promise to keep Mata on your bench all season and also prank call Iker Casillas once a week.

Martinez: That's just ridiculous, Jose. I'm hanging up now.

Mourinho: (silence)

Martinez: Are you still there, Jose?

Mourinho: Yes. I am just experiencing excess specialness juice escaping from my eyes. It happens to me sometimes, but you wouldn't understand since you have won far fewer trophies than I have.

Martinez: You'll be fine, Jose. The season has only just begun. You have talented strikers and they will come good in time.

Mourinho: I suppose.

Martinez: And look at the bright side. At least you're not David Moyes.

Mourinho and Martinez: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Mourinho: Even UNICEF can't help him now.

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