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DT Exclusive: The first draft of Frank Lampard’s children’s book

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Frank Lampard has signed a deal to write a series of five children's books called "Frankie's Magic Football." According to Reuters, the books will be about a schoolboy named Frankie and football-loving friends, who Lampard says are "loosely based on friends and team mates I've played with over the years." The following is a rough draft of Lampard's first book, which was originally titled "Frankie and the Contract Caper."

There once was a boy called Frankie. Frankie was very smart and did well in school, but he still liked to play football more than anything else. Frankie was very good at football. He was so good that he was the only player to score 10 goals or more over 10 consecutive seasons in the best league in all of Premier City. Even though he was a midfielder. And only eight years old.

Frankie was still very young by general life standards, but he was one of the older players on his team. He was also still the top scorer. And probably had the highest IQ. Frankie had a lot of friends too. Some people called him "fat," which was silly because he was actually not fat at all so the people who said that were just jealous and inarticulate.

Yet with all of Frankie's goals and friends and ideas on military strategy, Restless Roman, who was in charge of Frankie's team, still wanted to get rid of him.

"You should paint his boats using your hair as a brush and then maybe he'll keep you," said Frankie's friend John-John, who was somewhat prone to bad ideas.

"You should bake him a cake!" said Frankie's other friend Petey, who wore a helmet.

"You should shoot his work experience kids with an air rifle," said Frankie's third friend, who likely cannot be named for legal reasons.

Frankie decided not to use any of those ideas. Instead, he did what any eight-year-old would do and developed a compelling multimedia presentation that utilized detailed statistical analysis to illustrate how important he was to the team. Especially now that Revolting Rafa was destroying the team as their temporary coach and full-time evil troll goblin who everyone hated because he was legitimately awful.

After hearing Frankie's presentation and being wowed by his use of transitional animations, Restless Roman finally saw the error of his ways and asked Frankie to play for his team forever and ever. And then everyone celebrated and Frankie laughed once again at the people who called him "fat" because their lives were meaningless and empty. The End.

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