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Dirty Tackle

DT Exclusive: The FA interviews replacements for Fabio Capello

Dirty Tackle

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Fabio Capello says, "Eff this noise." (AP)

After the FA decided to strip John Terry of the England captaincy for the second time in two years over a charge for which he has not yet been tried, Fabio Capello has decided that he's had enough of being disrespected and undermined and resigned from his position. With Euro 2012 mere months away, FA chairman David Bernstein must find a suitable replacement to lead England out of the current cycles of scandals and disappointment. The following is a transcript of Bernstein's interview process.

Bernstein: Thank you for coming, gentlemen. As you can see, since we here at the FA like to do things the most ridiculous way possible, we've decided to have a group interview with all the top candidates for the prestigious job of England manager. To decide who gets the job, I will ask a question and then we will go around the room so you each can answer individually. Is that understood?

Harry Redknapp: Am I going to need my lawyer for this?

Bernstein: I should hope not.

Redknapp: Good. Because I've just brought my accountant.

Bernstein: Well, he shouldn't be necessary, either. But lets begin. First question: Are you English?

Rafa Benitez: Yes.

Jose Mourinho: No.

Roy Hodgson: Yes.

Redknapp: No, I'm cockney.

Bernstein: Er, pardon me, Rafa. I'm afraid you're not actually English. Also, you weren't invited to this interview. How did you get in here?

Benitez: I break window and sneak in. Fact.

Bernstein: Alright, well, you're here now...and it appears you're bleeding through your lets carry on. Next question: Can you please list any trophies you've won, as well as any relevant experience you've had.

Mourinho: I win everything. I coach best clubs in Europe. Obviously England is not best team but I feel pity for you. Also England do not play Barcelona ever.

Hodgson: Like Jose, I too have managed clubs all over Europe. I've also managed an international side whose name ends in "-land" and did not qualify for Euro 2008 just like England. Oh, and I've won the Swedish league. Twice.

Benitez: Won the Champions League with Liverpool. I cannot remember the rest because I am feeling light headed from blood loss. Fact.

Redknapp: I ruined Portsmouth to win the FA Cup. I was also just in court on a thing about tax. I know a lot of the England lads are in court often, so I can tell them where to go and how to beat the charges from personal experience.

Bernstein: That's not at all what I meant by relevant experience, Harry. Anyway, lets press ahead. Next question: Any special skills?

Mourinho: Eye poking. UNICEF conspiracy spotting.

Hodgson: I can rub my face fast enough to start a car. I'm also quite good at banging my head and making people next to me feel uncomfortable.

Benitez: Right now I hope necktie tourniquets are my special skill. Fact.

Redknapp: Not knowing what email is.

Bernstein: Right. Most importantly, who would you name as your England captain?

Mourinho: John Terry.

Hodgson: Christian Poulsen.

Redknapp: Scotty Parker. No doubt about it.

Benitez: (eyes closed, wobbling) Steven...Steven Hemerrard...

Bernstein: Final question: Are you literate?

Mourinho: Yes.

Hodgson: Yes.

Benitez: (passes out from blood loss)

Redknapp: What's "liberit"?

Bernstein: Well, gentlemen. I would like to thank you all for coming in once again. I was going to take a night to think about how we could make this situation even more of a mess, but the decision is clear and I'd rather not waste the time. Harry, the job is yours.

Redknapp: Not guilty!

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