Didier Drogba isn't getting any younger, so with that in mind, his agent, Thierno Seydi turned down a one-year extension with Chelsea as well as a loan with an option to buy from Milan. "At Didier's age, he has nothing left to prove as a player. He will go where he is offered the most money," he bluntly told The Sun. "Once you are well into your thirties you have to go to a club where you can be certain you'll be able to pay your bills." The following is a transcript of how we imagine Didier fielded offers.
Drogba: Thank you all for entering the Didier Drogba Sweepstakes. Since I am 33 years old and this will probably be my last contract before I retire, I have decided to make this simple. Whoever gives me the most money wins. Chelsea, you go first.
Chelsea: Well, Didier, we've been through a lot together and we'd love to keep you for another year. We'll certainly offer you good money, too.
Drogba: That's not enough. You lose. Milan, your turn.
Milan: We've admired you for years, Didier. But we'd like to take you on loan first and see if Zlatan can go more than three days without trying to kill you. We'll offer you decent money.
Drogba: Noooooooooooooooooo! LA Galaxy -- go.
Galaxy: If we lose David Beckham, we'll have a lot of free cash to spend. Of course, since Entertainment Tonight doesn't know who you are, we wouldn't give you the same money we gave Beckham. Also, be warned that the league will fine you any time you call something a "f***ing disgrace" or do anything interesting.
Drogba: That's a corporatized f***ing disgrace! Anzhi, now you.
Anzhi: We actually don't have that much money, but we can offer you the chance to fulfill your dream of playing in Dagestan. ... Hahaha! That was a joke. We will give you so much money that you will willingly burn some of it just to reduce it to a number that actually sounds real.
Drogba: That sounds interesting, but I'm still not sold. Random team in Qatar, what do you have to offer?
Random team in Qatar: We will give you all of the money.
Drogba: All of it?
Random team in Qatar: All of it. Your bank balance will be the infinity symbol followed by a smiley face.
Carlos Tevez: Can I have that deal too?