Carlo Ancelotti allegedly revealed to La Gazzetta dello Sport that since he's taken over at PSG, agents have offered him "[Carlos] Tévez, [Fernando] Torres, [Dimitar] Berbatov, [Roman] Pavlyuchenko, [Edinson] Cavani, [Fernando] Llorente." The following is a transcript of Ancelotti's conversation with Fernando Torres' agent, Frank Towers.
Towers: Carlo! How are ya? Frank Towers here.
Ancelotti: Good. And my eyebrows are even better. What can I do for you?
Towers: Well, I've been watching your boys in Paris and I'm certain I know exactly what your team is missing. So I thought I'd offer up the perfect player to solve your problems.
Towers: You know him well...
Ancelotti: Pato? Frank Lampard? I don't know.
Towers: No, no. Better than those jokers. How about this -- Fernando Torres.
Towers: It's perfect, I know. And get this -- Chelsea are willing to let him go for the low, low price of €45 million. That's a steal, Carlo. A steal!
Towers: So what do you say? If you don't act fast, someone else is going to snap him up. I know Liverpool and my nephew's Under-9 team are both very interested.
Ancelotti: Hahahahaha no. I didn't even want him at Chelsea.
Towers: What do you mean you didn't want him at Chelsea? Fernando led the team in hair growth while you two were together. No one added more length than Fernando on that squad. No one.
Ancelotti: Abramovich wanted him, so Abramovich can keep him.
Towers: You're not going to do better than Torres, Carlo. Who else would you sign? Carlos Tevez? He'll refuse to play and then run back to Argentina. Fernando will sit on the bench all day and still be ready to come in and miss a few shots whenever you want him to. Roman Pavlyuchenko? He has fewer goals than Fernando does this season and I'm pretty sure that means he has negative goals scored. Fernando Llorente? I'm pretty sure he's just a made up character in FIFA 12. Edinson Cavani? OK, he's really good. But Fernando is better!
Ancelotti: Hahahaha how?
Towers: That's not important. He just is. That's like asking how a broken arm is better than winning the lottery. So do we have a deal or not?
Ancelotti: No. We don't.
Towers: OK, well then this has been embarrassing for me. Do me a favor and don't tell anyone we talked about Fernando. Or Dimitar Berbatov. Because I forgot to mention how much worse he is than Torres, too.