Carlo Ancelotti has officially been named Real Madrid's new manager and everyone seems very happy about this. His affable nature has been hailed as the soothing balm needed to heal the club's burns from Jose Mourinho's more divisive approach. But the ease with which Ancelotti can fix all of these problems can only be understood by those who know the root of his powers. On his face. The following is a transcript of Ancelotti's first day on the job.
Ronaldo: Hi, boss. Welcome to Madrid. Can I talk to you for a second?
Ronaldo: Well, I was unhappy a lot last season and now the club would like me to sign a contract extension, but I'm not sure if I want to. I'm confused and I just don't know what to do.
Ronaldo: OK, I'm looking where you're pointing and — oh my. ... Your eyebrow is mesmerizing. Suddenly everything makes sense now. I will never experience sadness or indigestion again. Thank you, boss! Thank you!
Pepe: Hello, Mr. Ancelotti. I'm so glad you're here. Jose Mourinho benched me for defending Iker Casillas and he said Raphael Varane is already better than me even though he's only 20 years old and yesterday I bought a puppy. I don't know why I did it — it just looked so cute and lovable. What is happening to me?!
Pepe: Yes! YES! I have no idea what you're doing right now, but it's filling me with a confidence stronger than anything I've ever felt before! I feel like I could conquer the world! Or at least repeatedly kick someone in the kidney for hours and hours. You have my undying loyalty, Carletto.
Casillas: H-h-h-h-hello, sir. I'm Iker Casillas. You probably don't remember me, but I used to be a goalkeeper for this team a long, long time ago. Jose Mourinho put me in exile and I wasn't sure if it was safe to come out yet. Is...is he still there?
Casillas: Since I'm in Brazil and talking to you on the phone, I can't see what you're doing, but I imagine it's some kind of thing where you're holding your hands against your jolly cheeks and raising your left eyebrow in an endearing manner. If so, I appreciate the effort, but I'm afraid it will take more than that to help me. I have never experienced terror like what Jose Mourinho did to me. I can still see him whenever I close my eyes, laughing at me while he wipes his backsides with my captain's armband and makes endless fat jokes about Rafa Benitez for reasons I cannot comprehend. It's awful. It's just so awful. There's nothing anyone can do for me anymore. I just know it. I'm doomed forever.
Ancelotti: [flies to Brazil]
Casillas: This...this is helping. I never thought a hug from someone who is also giving an artificial tree in the corner a creepy glare with his overactive eyebrow would instantly cure me of my nightmarish state, but it has! I'm reborn! Now I can get back to only crying three or four times a day and really enjoying life again. We will win every trophy together and continue beating Barcelona, except in a friendly way that results in everyone holding hands and ridding the world of all paper cuts.