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Dirty Tackle

DT Exclusive: The Blackburn Chicken conducts Steve Kean’s season-end performance review

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Steve Kean and the Blackburn Chicken. (Getty)

With one match left against Chelsea left to play, Blackburn have completed the alienation process with their fans by sealing their relegation from the Premier League after a dismal season of protests, anger and frustration. The following is a transcript of Blackburn manager Steve Kean's season-end performance review as conducted by the Blackburn Chicken.

Chicken: Thanks for coming in, Steve. I'd like to begin by saying...Wow. You're still here. That's...amazing. And if you can't tell by the tone of my clucks, I mean that in a bad way.

Kean: I am still here and I don't plan on going anywhere, either.

Chicken: Ha! That's cute. Anyway, let's get to your performance review. How has the team done under your leadership this season?

Kean: Well, we've been relegated. But the players fought hard and I believe that with a bit of investment, we can get right back up to the Premier League.

Chicken: That's chickens***, Steve. And how popular would you say you are with the fans?

Kean: There was a small segment that-

Chicken: No, Steve. They literally want to blast you into the sun. I'm a chicken. A delicious chicken. And they want to kill me less than they want to beat you with your own head. In fact, they willingly put me on the pitch instead of eating me. You? Not so much.

Kean: I think you're overstating it a bit, but-

Chicken: Now, if you had to rate your personal performance this season, where would you put yourself on a scale of Andre Villas-Boas to a bag of medical waste?

Kean: I don't, uh, I don't know how to answer that question.

Chicken: Wrong again, Steve. I'll be honest with you: This isn't going well at all.

Kean: Neither did our season, but that didn't stop me.

Chicken: Touche. You've just outwitted a chicken. Be proud of yourself, Steve.

Kean: Thanks.

Chicken: Next question: Would you like to take over Manchester United when Sir Alex retires? But before you answer, be warned that this is a joke I'm making to point out that such a thing will never happen in real life.

Kean: OK, well, I would still consider it if the job was on offer to me.

Chicken: Steve...come on. Now I'm just starting to feel sorry for you and I'm not even sure chickens have the capacity for emotions like that.

Kean: Yeah, I meant to ask earlier. Do you even work for the club? I mean, you're a chicken so I figured there was some relationship with the Venky's people, but...

Chicken: Steve, I'm a chicken. You're talking to a chicken right now.

Kean: Right.

Chicken: That's all you've got? Really?

Kean: Yes.

Chicken: Fine, well, this has just gotten sad and uncomfortable for me. So, I'm going to say you passed your review even though this isn't a real performance review and it's all just a figment of your fevered imagination, Steve.

Kean: I passed! Cheers, chicken.

Chicken: Any time, Steve.

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