Since joining Barcelona from Arsenal for a fee of £25 million (plus up to another £10 million in various clauses), Cesc Fabregas has been a goal scoring machine for club and country, plus he's won a couple of Super Cups. And just to rub in Arsenal's pain a bit more, Barcelona vice president Josep Maria Bartomeu told Sport, "After seeing the work he's done since his arrival it is true that Cesc meets the €60 million (£53 million) valuation Arsenal initially demanded." The following is a transcript of Bartomeu's phone call to Arsene Wenger after giving that interview.
Bartomeu: Arsene! Buddy! How are you?
Wenger: I've been better.
Bartomeu: Yeah, yeah. Well, I just wanted to call and let you know that we're doing great over here. Just really, really great. That Cesc -- wow.
Wenger: Yes. I know about Cesc.
Bartomeu: I mean, we knew we were ripping you off when we made the deal, but wow -- even we didn't know just how much. It's amazing -- it really is.
Bartomeu: For example, you didn't tell us that he makes breakfast for everyone every morning. Those omelettes of his -- dear god! With his homemade goat's cheese and the truffles! They're amazing. My mouth tingles every time I taste them. Seriously, I'm not exaggerating. It tingles.
Wenger: He never made omelettes for us.
Bartomeu: Oh. Well. I'm sure he did other things. Like the massages. Oh, Arsene, the massages! I've had a bad back for years. Crippling. One massage from Cesc and now I feel reborn! Xavi even said he never wants Cesc to stop touching him.
Wenger: Cesc never gave us massages.
Wenger: (clears his throat).
Bartomeu: Well, listen, the reason I called was to say just how much we appreciate you giving up such a great, young player and omelette maker and masseuse and savior to the human race for literally nothing. So, we've decided to build a statue of you outside the Camp Nou. Would you prefer the plaque to read "Arsene Wenger, the man who gave away Cesc Fabregas" or "Arsene Wenger, Barcelona's greatest patron"?
Bartomeu: Arsene? Are you still th- Ow! Ow! Something just shattered my window and hit me in the face! I think -- I think it's a water bottle. It came out of nowhere!
Wenger: There's more where that came from.