DT Exclusive: Ask Kaka

As the season draws near and the transfer window inches towards closing, Real Madrid seem content to let Kaka go as they hope to make room for Luka Modric. His much talked about chance at a return to his beloved Milan remains in limbo as the newly budget conscious Italian giants publicly claim the move would be "almost impossible." But even with the uncertainty about his future, Kaka has still taken the time to visit a group of local school children and answer their questions yet again. The following is a transcript of that session.

Kaka: Children, hello! I am very excited to be here with you all today. We just returned from our preseason tour of America so I hope I can answer all of your questions about that and anything else you are interested in. Now which of you angels has the first question?

Roberto: Hi, Kaka. I'm Roberto and I'm eight. Are you excited about the new season?

Kaka: That's an excellent question, Roberto. Yes! I'm very excited. Last season Real Madrid proved that we are the best team in Spain by winning La Liga and we feel that this year we will prove that we are the best in all of Europe. We have a very strong team and we are all very optimistic for the new season. Thank you, Roberto. Who has the next question?

Teri: Hi, Kaka. I'm Teri and I eat spiders. Does it bother you that Real Madrid paid €68 million to take you from Milan three years ago and now, after making less than 30 league appearances each season and being 30 years old, the club would rather have a small Croatian boy who looks like a squirrel than you?

Kaka: I, uh, wow. That was quite a question, Teri. I- I've had a wonderful time at Real Madrid even though I've had some injuries. It's a very competitive club and I understand that needs will change over time, so I'm just thankful for the time I've spent here and looking forward to whatever the future holds with a big smile.

Herb: Hi, Kaka. I'm Herb and I have a lot of forks. Have you been crying because Milan got rid of half of their team and still say they can't afford to bring you back? If not, you should.

Kaka: No- I, I haven't been crying about anything, Herb. I'm very happy in Madrid. I would love to return to Milan one day, but I understand that these things can be difficult sometimes. I know that they care for me very much and I care for Milan too.

Stefan: Hi, Kaka. My name is Stefan and I just turned 10. I blame you for Brazil losing to Mexico at the Olympics. My grandparents said I can't get the operation I need because of you.

Kaka: Oh wow- why, uh, why would you blame me Stafan? I was very sad to see Brazil didn't win, but I didn't play for the Olympic team. Also, that wasn't a question. But winning a silver medal is still a wonderful blessing and I'm sure everyone who actually was on the team had a wonderful experience. I'm sorry you blame me, Stefan. Why would your grandparents say you can't have your operation because of me? I would gladly help you if I can. What is the operation for?

Stefan: Spontaneous colon explosions.

Kaka: Oh, I- I don't know what that is but I'm very sorry to hear about that. I will definitely help any way I can. But happy birthday to you! ... Does anyone, uh, does anyone have a question about America or what I like to eat before matches?

Daisy: Hi, Kaka. I'm Daisy you're my favorite footballer ever. I have a question about America.

Kaka: That's lovely, Daisy. What's your question?

Daisy: What the f*** is wrong with Jose Mourinho? He thinks people should call him "The Only One"? Did his aunt drop him on his head in a bin of medical waste?

Kaka: Oh my- Daisy, that's- that's no way for a child to talk. Please don't use words like that, Daisy. That wasn't a question about America, but there's nothing wrong with Jose Mourinho. I don't think his aunt ever dropped him in anything let alone a bin of medical waste. I certainly hope she didn't. He's a brilliant manager and a very kind person. I think this is getting a little out of hand, children...

Billiam: Hi, Kaka. I'm Billiam and I like socks. Who do you think will win the UEFA Best Player in Europe award between Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo or Andres Iniesta?

Kaka: That's a very good question, Billiam. Thank you. They're all excellent players, but I think my friend Cristiano had the best year and deserves the award very much.

Billiam: That's so mean to Messi and Andres. They just want to make me giggle. How can you say that, Kaka?

Kaka: No no no, I didn't mean it like that at all. I just-

Billiam: (cries)

Stefan: My colon just exploded.

Kaka: Jesus.