The sale of Robin van Persie to Manchester United that Arsenal were cornered into last summer has been a shadow over the club all season. On Sunday, they gave Man United a guard of honor before their match as Van Persie's new club has already sealed the Premier League title — an achievement aided by Van Persie's league-leading 25 goals — while Arsenal sit fourth in the table. After the match, Arsene Wenger was asked if Sir Alex Ferguson wanted any more of his players. Wenger responded: “I don’t know but he will not sign them from us.” The following is a transcript of Wenger's attempt to refuse Ferguson's advances.
Ferguson: Arsene, thank you again for the guard of honor. That was class.
Wenger: Don't mention it.
Ferguson: I know Robin appreciated it, too.
Wenger: I SAID DON'T MENTION IT.
Ferguson: Well, since the season's already done and dusted for us, I thought we might discuss some transfer business.
Wenger: I'm not selling you anyone else ever again, Alex. I would literally rather get vomited on by a lactose intolerant child every day until 10 years after I die than sell you another one of my players.
Ferguson: Now now, let's not get melodramatic, Arsene. How about £17 million for Jack Wilshere and Theo Walcott?
Ferguson: Wilshere and Walcott for £18 million?
Ferguson: Wilshere and Walcott for £16 million?
Wenger: Deal. No! I mean no deal! I will sell you no one. Especially not Robin van Persie's secret younger brother.
Fergson: Secret brother?
Wenger: Ah! I've ruined it! I made Robin promise not to tell you that we have his younger, more talented brother playing for another club on loan under a false name to prevent you and City from sniffing around him.
Ferguson: I'll give you £30 million for him.
Wenger: No. He's convinced he's going to be the greatest striker in the history of the Premier League. Anyway, how can you bid on a player sight unseen?
Ferguson: That's what I did with Bebe and that didn't work out at all, so this has to. £50 million! You know he wants to play for Manchester United, Arsene. Make this easy on yourself.
Wenger: Fine. We have a deal. A legally binding deal.
Ferguson: Ha! You twit — you just handed me another 20 titles.
Wenger: Silly me. Here, I'll send you a picture of the player you just bought.
Ferguson: [receives picture on his phone] Oh....oh no. This is Nicklas Bendtner. No deal! We do not have a deal!
Wenger: Too late. He's on his way and I'm putting Andre Santos in his luggage.
Ferguson: But you said he was more talented than Robin.
Wenger: Yeah, at not scoring goals and being a drunken disappointment. You've just been long conned by Arsene Wenger. I've put on my sunglasses and you'll have to deal with it.
Ferguson: So selling me Robin van Persie was just a setup for this?
Wenger: I'm going to say "yes" and you can't prove otherwise.
Ferguson: Ah, I feel like I should be able to, but I can't.
Wenger: Long cons by Wenger!