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Dirty Tackle

DT Exclusive: Arsene Wenger’s refusal to sell Man United any more of his players

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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The sale of Robin van Persie to Manchester United that Arsenal were cornered into last summer has been a shadow over the club all season. On Sunday, they gave Man United a guard of honor before their match as Van Persie's new club has already sealed the Premier League title — an achievement aided by Van Persie's league-leading 25 goals — while Arsenal sit fourth in the table. After the match, Arsene Wenger was asked if Sir Alex Ferguson wanted any more of his players. Wenger responded: “I don’t know but he will not sign them from us.” The following is a transcript of Wenger's attempt to refuse Ferguson's advances.

Ferguson: Arsene, thank you again for the guard of honor. That was class.

Wenger: Don't mention it.

Ferguson: I know Robin appreciated it, too.

Wenger: I SAID DON'T MENTION IT.

Ferguson: Well, since the season's already done and dusted for us, I thought we might discuss some transfer business.

Wenger: I'm not selling you anyone else ever again, Alex. I would literally rather get vomited on by a lactose intolerant child every day until 10 years after I die than sell you another one of my players.

Ferguson: Now now, let's not get melodramatic, Arsene. How about £17 million for Jack Wilshere and Theo Walcott?

Wenger: No.

Ferguson: Wilshere and Walcott for £18 million?

Wenger: No!

Ferguson: Wilshere and Walcott for £16 million?

Wenger: Deal. No! I mean no deal! I will sell you no one. Especially not Robin van Persie's secret younger brother.

Fergson: Secret brother?

Wenger: Ah! I've ruined it! I made Robin promise not to tell you that we have his younger, more talented brother playing for another club on loan under a false name to prevent you and City from sniffing around him.

Ferguson: I'll give you £30 million for him.

Wenger: No. He's convinced he's going to be the greatest striker in the history of the Premier League. Anyway, how can you bid on a player sight unseen?

Ferguson: That's what I did with Bebe and that didn't work out at all, so this has to. £50 million! You know he wants to play for Manchester United, Arsene. Make this easy on yourself.

Wenger: Fine. We have a deal. A legally binding deal.

Ferguson: Ha! You twit — you just handed me another 20 titles.

Wenger: Silly me. Here, I'll send you a picture of the player you just bought.

Ferguson: [receives picture on his phone] Oh....oh no. This is Nicklas Bendtner. No deal! We do not have a deal!

Wenger: Too late. He's on his way and I'm putting Andre Santos in his luggage.

Ferguson: But you said he was more talented than Robin.

Wenger: Yeah, at not scoring goals and being a drunken disappointment. You've just been long conned by Arsene Wenger. I've put on my sunglasses and you'll have to deal with it.

Ferguson: So selling me Robin van Persie was just a setup for this?

Wenger: I'm going to say "yes" and you can't prove otherwise.

Ferguson: Ah, I feel like I should be able to, but I can't.

Wenger: Long cons by Wenger!

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