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Dirty Tackle

DT Exclusive: Andre Villas-Boas informs Spurs players of his ways

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Andre Villas-Boas has it all figured out. (Getty)

Following his failed stint at Chelsea, Andre Villas-Boas has been appointed as Harry Redknapp's replacement at Spurs. His unsuccessful strategy of hurriedly ushering out the old guard at Chelsea that would go on to win the Champions League after his dismissal was a harsh learning experience for Villas-Boas and one that he will have the chance to prove he's overcome at another London club. The following is a transcript of Villas-Boas' first meeting with his new players.

AVB: Hello. Welcome to...welcome me...me welcome...welcome me to you. Whatever. Anyway, I am very happy to be with this club and you know that's true because I'm giving up £11 million of my Roman Abramovich payoff money to be here. Now. Let's get right to it and talk strategy.

Assou-Ekotto: (chokes on a muffin) But...Harry used to just let us play and then made us promise not to say anything about all the money he hid from the tax collectors by feeding it to his dog.

AVB: Well I am not Harry Redknapp. I know how to work a computer. I am also not the Andre Villas-Boas who managed Chelsea. You see, I have learned from my mistakes and will amend my approach. At Chelsea, I put the team's ancient dinosaurs on the bench, but we still failed because I did not go far enough. I still depended on players who were far too old. Here, I will not make that mistake again. So with that said, Kyle Walker -- you won't be playing anymore.

Walker: What? I'm only 22.

AVB: Exactly. If you were a caveman, you'd probably be dead already. And Gareth Bale, the same goes for you.

Bale: But I'm just about to turn 23!

AVB: So you'd be even deader than Kyle.

Parker: Boss, I'm sorry but I think you're being un- why are you crouching down?

AVB: Why are you not crouching down?

Parker: Because I don't want to look like a mental patient on a police stakeout.

AVB: Well this is another change. I'm not going to be the only one crouching anymore. Speaking of crouching, where is Peter Crouch? I want to get a picture of me crouching while I point at him so you get the double meaning.

Parker: He left the club last summer. He's with Stoke now.

AVB: Stoke! Ah! I knew it. Do they need a manager?

Parker: What? No. I mean, I don't know. What?

Bale: So, wait, am I really not going to play anymore?

AVB: What did you say? I can't understand you when you don't have your dentures in, granddad.

Bale: I don't wear dentures, I'm just Welsh.

AVB: Stop talking. I can see your grey leg hair from here. Now, as I said, I am very happy to be here and we're going to have a great eight months together. Hooray Stoke!

Parker: Spurs.

AVB: Hooray Stoke!

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