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Dirty Tackle

DT Exclusive: Alex Ferguson thanks Arsene Wenger for selling Robin van Persie

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Arsene Wenger discussed the sale of Robin van Persie to Manchester United in his Friday press conference, admitting that it was a "very professional phone call" between him and Alex Ferguson that sealed the surprising deal. “What is painful is to see Manchester United so far in front of us,” Wenger said. “We knew when we sold him to United that that would be the case." And when a reporter mentioned Ferguson's comment on how critical Van Persie has been to Man United's success this season, Wenger replied, "I didn't need Sir Alex Ferguson to tell me that." The following is a transcript of Alex Ferguson doing just that.

Ferguson: Hello Arsene, how's sixth place?

Wenger: What do you want, Alex?

Ferguson: Sir Alex.

Wenger: Ugh. Aren't you senile yet?

Ferguson: Haha I'm not the one who sold the best scorer in the league to Manchester United.

Wenger: Whatever. What do you want? Now isn't the best time. I'm looking at Andrei Arshavin and his ongoing existence is annoying me.

Ferguson: Well listen, Arsene, I know you're busy not signing new players so I'll make this quick. I just wanted to thank you for Van Persie. The boy's been a miracle and has saved me a lot of headaches this season.

Wenger: Your nose looks like a headache.

Ferguson: I just still can't believe you agreed to sell him to us. I mean, I know he was in the last year of his contract and demanded a transfer but only £24 million for him? It's unbelievable. Why did you do it?

Wenger: Fine. I'll tell you. I had it all planned out. It was going to be the ultimate revenge on Robin for asking to be sold and you for being the worst person in the history of people. I was going to sell him to you, let him score goals for a few months so you would both be nice and happy and then I was going to have Emmanuel Frimpong Frimpong him so he would be out for the season and you would suffer the consequences while I laughed and laughed and laughed. Except this thing with Theo Walcott's contract kept dragging on and I forgot and then Frimpong went out on loan so I had to farm out the job and get Ashley Williams on Swansea to kick the ball at the back of his head-

Ferguson: I knew it! I knew that could have killed him!

Wenger: Except it can't! It did absolutely nothing and now Robin has 16 goals and you're in first place and Andrei Arshavin is giggling like a weirdo and everything is awful!

Ferguson: Well then...

Wenger: I'm hanging up in like 0.3 seconds so if you have any other jerky things to say you better say them fast.

Ferguson: No no, Arsene. It's not like that at all. In all honesty, I do feel a bit bad about this. You're a great competitor and a brilliant manager. The deal for Robin was just too good to pass up, so I had to take it, but I am sorry for the all the abuse you've suffered in the meantime.

Wenger: Well thank you, Alex. Sir Alex. I appreciate that very much.

Ferguson: Now how about £3 million for Walcott?

Wenger: Oh f*** you! F*** you in the elbow!

Ferguson: HAHAHAHAHA

Wenger: I hope you get crushed by your own statue!

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