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Dirty Tackle

DT Exclusive: Alex Ferguson solves his striker dilemma

Dirty Tackle

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Alex Ferguson has a dilemma: Too many strikers and not enough starting spots for all of them. Of course, this is a great problem to have, but it's still a problem and one that is troubling the Man United gaffer. With Wayne Rooney, Dimitar Berbatov, Michael Owen, Chicharito, and Danny Welbeck off to a promising start. Plus Mame Biram Diouf and Kiko Macheda, Ferguson asked the question that now plagues him after his side's win over Spurs on Monday, saying, "The horrible part for me now is with having Javier back, what do we do? It is going to be a big problem for me." The following is a transcript of how Sir Alex sorted that big problem at Man United's next training session.

Ferguson: Wayne, Michael, Javier, Dimitar, Michael, Danny, Michael -- gather around.

Rooney: What's up, boss?

Ferguson: Well, we've got a lot of talent up top and you all deserve to play as much as possible. But, there are only so many minutes to go around, so we have to decide who gets them. I want you each to tell me why you think you deserve to play. Go on.

Owen: Thinking about playing just made my knee explode, so I'd be happy to continue sitting on the bench and tweeting and collecting winners' medals if that's OK with you, boss.

Ferguson: That's fine, Michael. Just fine. Now go find someone to clean your ligaments off the doorknob. Wayne?


Rooney: I don't want to betray the club and go to Man City anymore. Plus my hair transplant worked.

Ferguson: Excellent. We'll be relying on you then, Wayne. And that just leaves on other starting spot. Dimitar, what have you got to say?

Berbatov: Well hello there.

Ferguson: Hello, Dimitar.

Berbatov: I scored more erotic goals than anyone else last season. I won the Golden Boot and filled it with mayonnaise. And I've built up an immunity to both mace and rejection. Ha-HA!

Ferguson: I don't care about any of that. Back to the bench with you. Javier?

Chicharito: My head still hurts and our next match hasn't started yet, but I already scored two goals in it.

Ferguson: Well done. Danny?

Macheda: Eh, boss? Can I play?

Ferguson: No! Take Diouf and go play the Pac-Man!

Macheda: I don't know what this "Pac-Man" is. What is?

Ferguson: Go on! ... Danny, say your piece.

Welbeck: I scored a goal and did a backheel against Spurs, so I'm pretty much awesome now.

Ferguson: Right. This is going to be difficult. But, I've made my decision: Dimitar, Javier, Danny, we'll be fashioning you into a human centipede. Get to the team doctor immediately for the operation.

Berbatov: I'll take the rear position! Ha-HA!

Photo: Getty

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