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Dimitar Berbatov is…The Continental

Dirty Tackle

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Well hello there.

I see you've caught me pushing aside a giant carrot so I can get a better look at you. ... Are you impressed that I scored two goals in my home debut at Craven Cottage a.k.a. The Berba's Stationary Love Place? ... Well you should be. And you shouldn't be. Because scoring goals and seducing people on message boards about Penguins is just what The Berba does. Did that response confuse you a bit? Well hopefully that works in my favor. Ha-HA!

I should warn you that turning your back on my Berba-brilliance will only deny you days of sensual joy and nights of mayonnaise smeared delight. Just ask Sir Alex Ferguson. Or as I call him Sir Alex Ferguson. ... Yes, I know that's just his name, but when I say it, I smirk ever so slightly to imply my superiority to him and to arouse you at the same time. But it's mostly just to arouse you. ... Well you should pay closer attention next time. Especially to my ankles.

It's only been a few weeks since I left Manchester United, but I imagine that people would tell me that everyone there often weeps silently in their private moments as they can no longer inhale the acrid musk of The Berba. ... Yes, I know they've scored 10 goals in their last three matches, but how many have they scored in a way that encourages fans of all clubs to touch themselves in public? ... I was hoping you'd say none. Ha-HA!

Anyway, even with your back still turned to me, we can still engage in the form of Berba Sutra intercourse depicted on the side of my shirt. I call it "spining" and I've impregnated at least 17 inanimate objects this way. Which is why I always carry a back condom with me everywhere I go. Ha-HA!

Oh-OHHH! I just realized this giant carrot is one of my teammates. Oh, this is going to be awkward later.

Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...

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