Dimitar Berbatov is…The Continental

Brooks Peck

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me poignantly looking off into the distance after playing my final match at Old Trafford. Yes, it's a sad moment because another chapter of the Berbography is drawing to a close, but it's also very happy because the next chapter is sure to be just as erotic as the last. ... No, that doesn't mean it won't be at all erotic. It means you should probably put on a rain jacket. Ha-HA!

I suppose it's fitting that Manchester United will likely finish second the season I spent most of my time on bench, carving self-portraits into decorative soaps and flirting with you. ... Yes, not wearing shorts counts as flirting. ... No, I don't think I would be more successful if I was a bit more subtle. As the saying goes, "Subtlety is for ugly people." My cousin Timitar Berbatov said that. He is very ugly. And not very smart. Anyway, I had more goals than Premier League starts this season, so I proved that my Berba-brilliance is still very much in tact.

I achieved a lot during my time with Man United. I won Two Premier League titles, the Club World Cup and the 2010 Bulgarian Man of the Year award. I earned a Golden Boot. I saw you naked. ... Ha-HA! OK, I didn't. But I am imagining you naked right now. And I like what I see.

But this isn't about the tattoo of Woody Allen I imagine you have on your behind. This is about my impending rebirth. Even though I didn't care enough to learn the names of most of my teammates in Manchester, I will still miss them slightly. Especially Chicharito a.k.a. Little Berba. He was my protege and will be lost without my mostly regrettable advice. I don't know exactly where the sensual breezes will take me, but where ever it is, I hope you will join me. ... Well, at least think about it. ... No, for more than half a second. ... Well, I'm choosing to hear  instead of whatever it is you're saying. Ha-HA!

Oh-OHHH! The sadness of having to say goodbye has just hit me with the force of a thousand Berba-buses. Oh, it's terrible. Oh, I can feel the tears getting ready to prematurely gush out of my eyes, making me look vulnerable and incredibly attractive to you. Oh, it's- no. I'm over it.

Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...