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Dirty Tackle

A day in exile with Florent Malouda

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Florent Malouda eats alone. (Getty)

Either unwilling or unable to secure a move away from Chelsea, Florent Malouda has spent the season in exile. He hasn't made a single appearance since the preseason and has trained at the club's U-21 facility since September.

In a recent interview with France-Guyane, Malouda said, "The details, I'm going to explode them when I'm free, but the strategy employed is to make me look like a player who wants to be paid a lot. [...] If you're excluded for a whole year, it's very, very long. You have to be ready mentally. All of this is being done to break me mentally. In reality, it motivates me hugely."

The following is an average day in the life of Florent Malouda...

8:37 am -- Eats breakfast in the shower so he can get to training early. Even though no one will notice.

9:45 am -- While practicing free kicks, he hears the U-21 kids dare one of their cohorts to "kick a ball at Old Man Malouda." When it happens, Malouda takes a few steps in their direction and they all run away screaming.

10:16 am -- Checks his bank balance.

11:22 am -- Tells a dirty joke to his invisible friend and weight-room spotter BraniFrank RamirTerry, who finds it borderline offensive. Malouda apologizes.

12:30 pm -- He watches through a window as the non-exiled first-team players enjoy a specially prepared lunch while eating a sandwich he had been carrying in his sock all morning. Between soggy bites, he sees that Fernando Torres looks depressed despite being surrounded by other people who are actually talking to him. Malouda decides he will leave a friendship bracelet on Torres' training kit before leaving the club.

1:11 pm -- Checks his bank balance.

2:50 pm -- Plays several games of FIFA 13 career mode with a modified Chelsea team made up entirely of players named "Florent Malouda." He keeps the original Florent Malouda character on the bench, though.

3:26 pm -- He tweets just to try and prove to himself that he still exists.

4:09 pm -- Wanders around the parking lot hoping to "accidentally" bump into Rafa Benitez. When it finally happens, Benitez says "hello Mr. Abramovich" to him and then drives off.

5:15 pm -- Takes his daily picture of himself with the Champions League trophy.

7:20 pm -- For dinner, he eats a sandwich he had been carrying in his other sock all day while imitating Didier Drogba's voice.

9:41 pm -- Stares at his bank balance until he drifts into a deep and restful sleep.

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