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Dirty Tackle

If it continued… (Real Madrid v Man Utd, first leg)

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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The first leg of Real Madrid and Manchester United's Champions League round of 16 tie was saddled with a tremendous amount of hype and expectation, but actually fulfilled every bit of it. Wonderful headers from Danny Welbeck and Cristiano Ronaldo produced the match's two goals in the first half and laid the foundation for a frenetic second half with a number of great chances for both sides. And so, even though there will be a second leg at Old Trafford to decide a winner, we once again find ourselves asking, "What if it continued?"

97' -- David Blaine finally stops crying after seeing Cristiano Ronaldo put his levitation trick to shame in the first half.

101' -- Missing his first Real Madrid Champions League knockout-stage match in 11 years due to injury, Iker Casillas tries to produce a positive atmosphere by giving away free hugs outside the Bernabeu.

107' -- Going this long without scoring a goal confuses Robin van Persie. He wonders if he died after someone kicked a ball at the back of his head and just didn't realize it yet.

114' -- David De Gea makes yet another great save, decides to wear gloves on his feet instead of boots and only play in Spain from now on.

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118' -- A man in the crowd says to his friend, "So, wait, Ronaldo used to play for Manchester United? Why didn't anyone talk about this before the match?!"

123' -- Kaka reads through all of the Twilight books for the 17th time this season.

129' -- Jose Mourinho continues to play mind game with Alex Ferguson by wearing a snood with a suit like a psychotic person.

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134' -- Luka Modric does nothing.

139' -- Cristiano Ronaldo scores and is once again praised for not celebrating against his former team by those who fail to realize that he considers his existence to be a supreme celebration in and of itself.

141' -- The match is abandoned when Spanish priests attempt an exorcism on "freckled demon" Wayne Rooney.

145' -- While sharing a tender embrace, Alex Ferguson injects Ronaldo with a slow-acting drug that will leave him paralyzed from the hair down until after the second leg. He briefly mourns his inability to feel human emotions, then thinks a hearty, sinister laugh.

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