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If it continued… (Man United v Man City)

Dirty Tackle

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Man United conceded six goals in a league match at home for the first time since 1930 (according to Opta) in a 6-1 loss to Man City that Alex Ferguson called "the worst result in my history, ever." Mario Balotelli set the tone early with his brace and "Why always me?" shirt while Jonny Evans made the day even more difficult for Man United by getting sent off for yanking Balo to the ground in the 47th minute. Given the historic nature of the match, we really must ask: "What if it continued?"

97' --Mario Balotelli sneaks back onto the pitch 27 minutes after being subbed off to complete his hat trick. Celebrates by revealing underpants that read: "A sphincter says what?"

101' -- Roberto Mancini laughs a confident and powerful laugh. He calls Mark Hughes to ask "Who's 'autocratic' now?!" and laugh some more.

108' -- Mario Balotelli burns down Mancini's house by playing flamethrower tag in the library with his friends.

113' -- David De Gea sits in the corner of his goal, rocking back and forth and rubbing stolen glazed doughnuts on his face just to make himself feel better.

120' -- Back in the dressing room, Jonny Evans puts on a new white shirt, then promptly spills spaghetti sauce all over it.

125' -- Someone is accused of racial taunts because that is apparently required in every match now.

129' -- Referee Chris Foy appears out of nowhere and gives Phil Jones a yellow card because he ran out of Chelsea players to book in west London.

132' -- Mario Balotelli burns down Gareth Barry's house by juggling Molotov cocktails in the bedroom with his brother.

136' -- Dimitar Berbatov finishes reading his 14th romance novel of the season. He starts on a 15th after winking in your general direction.

140' -- Arsene Wenger burns down Samir Nasri's house by deliberately setting it on fire and running away.

144' -- David Silva continues being quietly brilliant.

150' -- With his team barely trying, the home fans long gone and Edin Dzeko eating De Gea's doughnuts while scoring goals at will, Alex Ferguson unleashes a ferocious hairdryer treatment on Old Trafford that melts Rio Ferdinand's face like an oil painting in a Mario Balotelli fire and causes Berbatov to momentarily lose his place in his new romance novel. Ferguson questions his reluctance to retire while The Berba finds the line he was on and resumes reading with the occasional chuckle.

Photo: AP

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