Dirty Tackle

If it continued… (Man City v Chelsea)

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

View gallery

.

(Getty)

Manchester City lost 1-0 to Chelsea, ending their perfect record at home this season and marking the first time they've been held scoreless at the Etihad in 62 matches. It was widely taken for granted going into the match that Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho would "park the bus" and hope for scoreless draw, but instead Chelsea attacked and made City look like the weaker side. Chelsea have now beaten Man City twice this season, extending Manuel Pellegrini's lack of success against Mourinho. Despite the conclusive result, we still find ourselves asking, "What if it continued?"

97' — Jose Mourinho does pelvic thrusts in front of the dour-faced Pellegrini. When Pellegrini finally demands that he stop it, Mourinho begins to twerk instead.

101' — Mourinho brings a house warming present to Juan Mata's new home in Manchester and casually asks if he's watching Chelsea beat arguably the best team in the league without him.

103' — After a long silence, Mourinho asks Mata what it's like being in seventh place and if David Moyes cries while eating.

108' — Petr Cech keeps making saves that force you to seriously consider wearing a scrum cap to the office every day in the hopes that it gives you some of his powers.

114' — Mourinho returns and, as he did before the match, he stops to take pictures with Man City supporters just to show Pellegrini that even they love him.

View gallery

.

(Getty)

119' — Mourinho resumes thrusting, but this time in the direction of no one. And everyone.

122' — Mourinho hopes this doesn't make Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich expect to win the Premier League title this season, thus increasing his chances of getting sacked if it doesn't happen. He decides Abramovich can't sack him if he describes this Chelsea team as a "little horse" because little horses are cute and no one can sack people when they're thinking about little horses.

127' — Mourinho tells Eden Hazard that his new name is "The Bus." So the term "parking the bus" now means that he's bringing Eden Hazard to the stadium and that opponents should be afraid. Eden Hazard has no idea what he's talking about.

135' — Upon learning that Chelsea's masseur gave the team talk before the match, Manchester United offer him the job of player-manager-masseur. He declines since the contract stipulates that Sir Alex Ferguson is allowed to watch him 24 hours a day and that the bathroom isn't off limits.

140' — "This would've never happened if James Milner started," James Milner decides not to say just in case someone can prove that it's not true.

145' — The match is abandoned when Jose Mourinho offers to give everyone who doubted him a ride home on a bus he rented and then once they all get on and settle in, he turns off the engine, takes the keys and leaves in a Formula 1 car that says "Special" on it.

- - - - - - -

Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

View Comments