Dirty Tackle

If it continued… (Borussia Dortmund v Bayern Munich, Champions League final)

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

(Reuters)

Bayern Munich avoided a third Champions League final embarrassment in four years when Arjen Robben made up for his past mistakes by scoring an 89th minute goal to give his side a 2-1 win over Borussia Dortmund. The match appeared almost certain to be Bayern's second straight Champions League final to go to extra time, but Robben's long-awaited goal spared them that added test of their nerves. Still, we're left to wonder "What if it continued?"

97' -- Dortmund striker Robert Lewandowski regrets using up all of his goals against Real Madrid. He vows to pace himself better next season when he's playing for Bayern.

99' -- Feeling bold after the referee's refusal to send him off for the blatant foul that led to Dortmund's penalty kick in the 68th minute, Bayern defender Dante briefly considers trying to bite an opponent just to see how it feels. But the moment passes and he decides to just stick his finger in someone's ear instead.

101' -- Mario Gotze secretly roots for Bayern, Pep Guardiola secretly roots for Dortmund. He also plans to pitch UEFA on a new competition called the "Possession League" so he can win something that Jupp Heynckes hasn't.

108' -- Dortmund goalkeeper Roman Weidenfeller is unsure if he's in pain because Robben scored in the 89th minute or because Robben blasted a shot off his face in the 43rd minute.

112' -- Dortmund manager Jurgen Klopp says something blunt and honest, journalists swoon.

115' -- Bayern keeper Manuel Neuer makes his ninth save of the game. He gets frustrated by Dortmund refusing to just leave him alone so he can read his collection of young adult mystery books like he usually does during matches.

120' -- Pep Guardiola starts to get nervous, considers telling everyone that he actually meant to take the 1860 Munich job just so the expectations are lower. He then dedicates himself to figuring out how he can make players levitate and travel through time.

124' -- Bayern striker Mario Gomez is allowed to score a goal just so everyone can click the Mario Gomez button and experience the irrepressible joy it provides.

129' -- Jose Mourinho gets too excited and accidentally pokes himself in the eye at the thought of facing Guardiola in the Super Cup between Chelsea and Bayern next season. He blames Iker Casillas.

134' -- Outgoing Bayern manager Jupp Heynckes dances a jig of triumph and self-assurance. He then urinates on the pitch to mark his territory and sings "You Can't Top This" to the tune of MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This."

137' -- Having actually done something right in a big match, Arjen Robben decides he has nothing left to prove in football and that he will open a shop called "Robben's Ribbons." The shop will only sell ribbons personally decorated by Arjen Robben using a variety of glitters, glue and googly eyes. He will cut the ribbons exactly the same way every single time.

140' -- The match is abandoned when Bayern midfielder Franck Ribery drowns everyone in non-alcoholic beer and Sir Alex Ferguson claims the Champions League trophy as a "retirement gift." Dortmund dress a Petri dish filled with bird flu in a BVB kit and hope Bayern buy it this summer.

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