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Dirty Tackle

If it continued… (Barcelona v Milan)

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Barcelona dominated much their Champions League group stage opener against Milan, maintaining 70 percent of possession but only earning a 2-2 draw because of a quick goal from Pato and a last minute equalizer from Thiago Silva. Though this is only the beginning of a long road to the Champions League final, we still must ask, "What if it continued?"

97' -- Pep Guardiola remembers that defenders exist.

101' -- Pato's girlfriend and boss, Barbara Berlusconi, punches the 17th person to ask her if it always takes him just 24 seconds to score. Unsurprisingly, it was her father, Silvio, who asked.

109' -- Cesc Fabregas decides against continuing his goal streak since Arsenal are playing at the same exact time and won't see him do it.

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115' -- After convincing Xavi to let his guard down with a very friendly pre-match handshake in the tunnel (video), Mark van Bommel gets his revenge for the 2010 World Cup final by sneaking off the bench and kicking Xavi's shinbone clear off of his body.

116' -- Despite the excruciating pain, Xavi realizes what a difficult sight it must be for Cesc Fabregas and shouts, "Cesc is sufferingggggggggg!" at the top of his lungs before passing out. Van Bommel feels nothing.

127' -- Pippo Inzaghi scores, even though he isn't on Milan's Champions League roster, BECAUSE THAT IS THE POWER OF PIPPO.

128' -- Tiziano Crudeli attempts to celebrate like a rational, well-adjusted human being.

129' -- Tiziano Crudeli explodes.

130' -- Pep Guardiola experiences the excruciating pain of being less than perfect.

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135' -- Every Milan player nervously awaits Zlatan Ibrahimovic appearing out of nowhere and kicking them in the head. He doesn't do it, which only makes the anticipation worse.

137' -- Pep Guardiola continues to descend into unfamiliar feelings of inadequacy. He feels something deep inside himself changing...

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140' -- Pep screams as his hair grows out, his jacket falls off his body and he ages 20 years in an instant. He knows what's happening. He suddenly gets the urge to play every member of Barcelona's youth team.

141' -- Like a werewolf under a full moon, Pep Guardiola completes his transformation into Arsene Wenger.

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Photos: AP, Getty

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