Fernando Torres: Winner. (AP)
Chelsea advanced to the Champions League final after a second-leg match against Barcelona that can only be described as bananas. Absolute bananas. Though Chelsea won on a 3-2 aggregate score, the second leg finished 2-2, which means there is really just one question left for us to ask...what if it continued?
97' -- Didier Drogba goes to tear up the list of complete f***ing disgraces that he had been working on only to find that Daniel Sturridge's cat, Daniel Purridge already ripped it apart. And so, Didier begins a new list of f***ing disgraces.
101' -- After scoring his eighth goal in 11 matches against Barcelona, Fernando Torres turns into a bag of money.
107' -- Watching his teammates pass the ball around and not win anything, Cesc Fabregas realizes that his Barca DNA was actually Arsenal DNA all along. And that he has infected the others.
108' -- Arsene Wenger appears just to soak in the schadenfreude.
114' -- John Terry breaks down and reveals that he only kneed Alexis Sanchez because the prospect of playing in another Champions League final brought up too many horrific memories of Chelsea's last one. That, and he just really wanted to give Sanchez a knee up the backside. In fact, it was mostly the latter.
119' -- Pele tells Neymar that since neither of them have missed a penalty in the second leg of a Champions League semifinal like Messi did, they are both still better than him. Neymar accidentally stabs Pele in the eye with his hair. John Terry knees them both in the groin because he's not that type of player.
122' -- Ramires continues to be under appreciated.
128' -- Jose Mourinho sends Zlatan Ibrahimovic a text that just says "LOL :)" Zlatan replies with "KTRPTLOLZ!" (kicking teammates, relishing Pep's tears, laughing out loud, Zlatzee!). He then turns the exchange into a new chapter for his book, available on his iPad app for more money than a large tub of caviar.
135' -- Victor Valdes takes a goal kick which veers out of play and hits Gerard Pique square in the face. He bleeds. He bleeds everywhere. John Terry pokes his wound because he's not that type of player.
139' -- Cristiano Ronaldo pulls up his shorts and points to his thigh. While in a carpet shop.
140' -- The match is abandoned when Barcelona collect all the balls and run away with them to ensure no one else can ever have them again. Jose Bosingwa weaves a new one from his eyebrow, but no one wants to use it.
141' -- The mustachioed puppet master congratulates himself on orchestrating another masterful drama. He then retreats deep into the bowels of the Camp Nou and waits...
- Sports & Recreation
- Didier Drogba
- John Terry
- Daniel Sturridge