Arsenal and Chelsea played to a pretty terrible rain-soaked 0-0 draw that will likely prove easier to forget than a warm glass of water. Jose Mourinho seemed keen to make sure that result was inevitable, leaving both Arsenal and Chelsea close behind Liverpool in the table at Christmas. And since there was precious little to fill our memory banks in the actual match, we must turn to our imaginations for the entertainment that was lacking and ask the eternal question: "What if it continued?"
97' — Jose Mourinho renames Fernando Torres, Samuel Eto'o and Demba Ba the "Ghost of Goalless Past, the Ghost of Goalless Present and the Ghost of Goalless Future."
101' — In a Paolo Di Canio-like move, a supremely frustrated Arsene Wenger decides to ban zippers and announces a corporate partnership with Velcro Industries.
105' — Referee Mike Dean still has no idea what is going on. He punishes David Luiz for a bad challenge by attempting to call for a second halftime.
109' — Jose "The Happy One" Mourinho uses a magic spell to suck all of the joy out of the match and feed his own amusement.
114' — After announcing Tim Sherwood as head coach through the end of the 2014/15 season earlier an hour earlier, Spurs announce that he will be replaced by a self-aware game of Football Manager 2014 sometime in February.
118' — Nicklas Bendtner texts Santa Claus the latest additions to this wishlist. A very confused retired electrician named Bill Tucker receives the message.
121' — Into his second hour of continuously applauding the fans so Per Mertesacker doesn't murder him, Mesut Ozil begins to weep.
125' — Serving his two-match ban for giving Man City fans the finger, Jack Wilshere does the same to John Terry and instantly gets his ban lifted.
130' — Juan Mata decides to give Mourinho a packet of homemade vouchers labeled "One free back rub every time you play Juan Mata."
133' — This guy is named Man of the Match...
136' — The match becomes so boring that fans decide to connect with each other on a deeper and personal level, sharing the hopes and fears they long ago buried deep within themselves and fostering more meaningful relationships that are nourished by the absence of superficial discussions about sports. Then someone says the referee deserves genital rabies and everyone does the wave.
138' — David Beckham continues to wonder how his son could hate him so much that he would choose to be an Arsenal fan.
140' — The match is finally abandoned, but everyone in attendance decides to stay and pretend it will carry on until Boxing Day so they don't have to spend the holiday with visiting family members.
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- Sports & Recreation
- Jose Mourinho
- Fernando Torres