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Dirty Tackle

The best possible resolutions to the Gareth Bale, Wayne Rooney and Luis Suarez transfer sagas

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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The new season is about to begin and the trio of international transfer melodramas that have consumed the transfer window with their volatile inertia continue to loom. Gareth Bale is still holding out for a move from Spurs to Real Madrid, Wayne Rooney wants to go from Manchester United to Chelsea and Luis Suarez is certain he needs to be in the Champions League yesterday. But what was a mild annoyance in the offseason becomes a potentially harmful distraction as the matches become meaningful and the transfer window remains open for another two weeks.

So with time running out and absolutely no one wanting this to carry on until the transfer window reopens in January, it's time to make some decisions. And all parties involved will be happy to know that we here at DT are generous enough to provide the best possible resolutions to each of these stand-offs.

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Gareth Bale

The situation: The 24-year-old PFA Player of the Year (and Young Player of the Year) led Spurs to their highest ever point total in the Premier League last season and got them a wispy old man hair away from Champions League qualification. They obviously want to keep him, but big bad Real Madrid decided they might be willing to pay a world record fee for him just because they get off on that. Now Bale is essentially pretending he's asleep until he gets carried to his new bed in Spain. Meanwhile, Tottenham chairman Daniel Levy is playing his favorite game of negotiation chicken and Real Madrid are trying to figure out if they're willing and able to scrape together the fantastical amount of cash they've been acting like they have at the ready.

The Guardian says that Bale won't play in Spurs' first three matches after battling injuries that may or may not be real (pun intended) and sitting out nearly the entire preseason.

What Spurs should do: Sell him to Atletico Madrid for a fraction of what's being demanded from Real, but confiscate his goal celebration trademark and charge him a massive fee every time he uses it for the rest of his career.

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Wayne Rooney

The situation: In 2010, Wayne Rooney made his first transfer demand at Manchester United and after an angry mob showed up at his house threatening his life if he joined Man City, everything ended happily when Rooney got a fat new contract and everyone quickly forgot the whole terrorism house call business. But at the end of last season, Rooney decided that now he really wants out and as a result, Sir Alex Ferguson benched him for the last match of the title-winning campaign. New manager David Moyes (who Rooney isn't particularly fond of) has been adamant that he's not for sale all summer while Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has said that Rooney is the only one he wants.

Rooney started for England in a friendly, though he's been "injured" for Man United.

What Man United should do: Whatever Liverpool did to Fernando Torres before selling him to Chelsea. Then pack his bag full of cakes and cigarettes and send him on his way. His transfer fee can be put towards getting Cristiano Ronaldo back (who might be eager to leave if Bale arrives at Real Madrid) and Chelsea will be saddled with another high-profile shell of a once great star, thus helping Man United's title chances with their new manager.

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Luis Suarez

The situation: Just last summer, Suarez signed a new contract with Liverpool, the club that has vehemently defended him through controversy after controversy. This summer, even though he's still serving a ban for biting Branislav Ivanovic (the second opponent he's bitten in his career), he decided that he needs to be playing in the Champions League now and accused Liverpool of breaking promises to him. Suarez thinks his best option is with Arsenal, but selling him to a club Liverpool need to overtake would probably be awful for them. So Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers has been making Suarez train on his own while conflicting reports of the Uruguayan saying he now wants to stay in Liverpool for the fans and not saying he wants to stay in Liverpool for anything.

What Liverpool should do: Take a cue from medieval times and construct stocks outside Anfield to lock him in whenever he refuses to play. Then charge tourists to throw tomatoes at him and pose for photos where they pretend to let him bite their children. It will be a year-round attraction satisfying both rival fans and the Liverpoool supporters whose loyalty he betrayed. The money collected could be use to buy a striker who doesn't get banned for half of every season or continually invite awful publicity for the club. Also, the video game tie-in could be bigger than the FIFA franchise and Grand Theft Auto combined.

Previously: A brief history of clubs selling players who were 'not for sale'

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