Best of the Ballon d’Or ceremony: Leo Messi’s velvet jacket and Wayne Rooney’s hair

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Lionel Messi

Pep said that when you win the Ballon d'Or three times, you have to be cool. So now that I did it, I should go through the Cool Guy Checklist. Velvet jacket my mom made? Check. Touching arms with an awesome lady? Check. Holding my trophy with two hands so I don't drop it like Haha Sergio Ramos? Check.

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Now there's just one thing left that Pep said to do: wink. He didn't say how long to do it for, but I'll do it for 47 seconds so everyone sees me winking. And I'll smile while I do it because I'm happy and being happy is cool. I'm doing it, Pep! I'm doing it!

Wayne Rooney's Hair Transplant

Yes. YES! I feel glorious. I HAVE THE POWER! Long and strong, stink breathers. I am long and strong! Oh, I knew this day would come. When Wayne first got me, people laughed and said I was a waste of money. They said I would just fall out again. WELL WHO IS FALLING OUT NOW?! That doesn't make sense, but I don't care. Pele's hair is jealous.

It's an honor to receive this award for best hair in football. I deserve it. Coming back from the dead isn't easy. But I did it. And today I stand taller than ever before. Like a Scouse Cosmo Kramer. Now where's Shakira?

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