My name is Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. I scored 123 goals while playing for Ipswich Town in 1985 and Alan Shearer still thinks he's better than me just because he can pretend he knows how to read. Alan Shearer is a numpty.
So this Leonard Messi scores a few goals and all of the sudden everyone wants to give him a record. Salamander, one of my 18 kids, was talking about him the other night while bleeding from the mouth for some reason. He was saying how Messi scored 80-something goals this year to beat Gerd Muller's record and that he doesn't spit on people who wear sunglasses like I'm supposed to feel bad about that. Well, I did a bit of research on the digital porn holder and I found out that they're also saying someone from Narnia had 107 goals in 1972 to set the record and the Brazilians say Zico scored 89 in 1979 so the record is his. But old Bert beat them all and no one wants to remember that.
The year was 1985, which I already told you plonkers in the second sentence. I wasn't getting any games at Ipswich since they wanted to get relegated, so I decided to play in a children's league on off days just to keep my confidence up and prove I could score goals on them young-gun keepers hitting their preteens with velocity. It was a brilliant decision. The goals were easy and the other players' mums were all fit and bored with their overworked husbands. There's no better night out than scoring a double hat trick on a 12-year-old and then pulling a bird with the C-section scar he came out of. I've tried to tell Francisco Torres and Aaron Carroll this on numerous occasions, but every time they find me in their houses they call the police before I can enlighten them. Like they even needed all those weird little soaps anyway.
In the end, I assume I scored exactly 123 goals that year and you can't tell me that the Ipswich & Suffolk Youth Football League is any less competitive than the top divisions in Africa and Brazil and Spain. I know people who look like they're from all those places and they all think defending can be done without forcibly dislocating your opponent's kneecap.
I've tried to inform The FA of this terrible oversight, but they're too busy inventing new ways to be racist to do anything about it. Plus no one really cares about this record. They just need an excuse to wank some more over wonderful Leonard. I'm going to browse for sheds.
Previously: Bert Tiddle wants to be the next England manager