Ask an expert: Bert Tiddle, retired footballer

Brooks Peck
October 12, 2011

Last season, 1987 FA Cup winner Bert Tiddle wrote a column for us called "The uneventful life of a retired footballer." Now, Bert returns to DT after partial completion of a mandatory anger/ego management course to answer your questions and share his expert punditry in a more loving and calm manner. So, without further ado, let's get to the questions!

Bert, do you think Wayne Rooney deserves a three-match ban for his red card in the Montenegro match? -- Freddie in Bournemouth

Before I get to your question Freddie, I'd like to say hello to my angry-ego sponsor Ted. I know he's reading this, so I'd like to assure him that I'm not going to revert to my old ways and call Freddie a numpty who doesn't deserve indoor plumbing just because Bournemouth refused to sign me when I was still a schoolboy.

As for Wade Rooney, I can assure you that he does not deserve a three-match ban, Freddie. He's shown how much he regrets kicking that lad with his apology letter to UEFA and that's really proof of how he's growing as a person and doesn't deserve any punishment. This is something I know a lot about. I recently wrote Alan Shearer a sincere letter of apology for telling the BBC that he once made love to the exhaust pipe of a 1989 Fiat Panda just because he refused to see a Will Smith film with me. He hasn't responded. Anyway, this isn't about me, it's about Wade and he's innocent. Text me so I at least know you've got the letter, Alan.

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Hey Bert, what do you make of the Carlos Tevez situation? What should City do with him? -- Vanessa in Manchester

Even though I did it many times in my career, my sponsor Ted (hello again, Ted) has shown me that digging your heels in and refusing to do something that's in your best interest just because the person asking you to do it is a poncy Italian isn't productive behavior for you or anyone else. City should sell Carl Tevez for whatever they can get in January, but between now and then they should put him to work scrubbing the toilets with his bare hands and chopping vegetables for the team chef. Obviously not in that order though, because that would be vile. You better not do that in your personal life, Vanessa. Jabulani, one of my 18 kids, does it and it's revolting.

With the A-League season just getting started, do you have any predictions for football in Australia this year? Thanks Bert! -- Brian in Sydney

Football in Australia? Old Bert's not falling for that one. Next you'll tell me they're gong to have a World Cup in the Middle East. Now, I'm not going to call you stupid, Brian. Ted wouldn't like that. But everyone else will. Including your parents. Just for the record though, I did not call you stupid, so don't send me your emails with the sideways frown face, Ted. I'm not having them anymore.

I've been an Ipswich Town supporter my whole life and I know you've said that you played for them, but I've never heard of you and neither has my dad. -- Andy in Ipswich

Is this how you try to rile up Bert Tiddle? With questions likes this? Well it ain't going to work, Andy. You think I care if you or your numpty father have heard of me? I don't. I bet your father never made a mint after suing a vending machine company that cost him his big toe in one of their death traps. What I'm saying is that I've got more money than you AND your dad, Andy. I could buy your house and then turn it into an anal bleaching place.

And before you give me any of your "count to 10" business, Ted, just know that you're sacked. I'm sacking you, Ted. I don't know if you can sack a sponsor, but I'm doing it right now. You can have your inspirational cat posters back too. Actually, you know what? You can't. Because I poured scalding hot water on them. The cats are dead.

Hi Bert, who do you think will win Euro 2012? -- Tim in Minnesota

F*** off.

If you have a question for Bert, send it to dirtytackle[at]gmail.com (with "Question for Bert" in the subject line) or @BertTiddle on Twitter and he just might answer it in a future installment!

Photo: AP