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Brooks Peck

Artur Boruc's Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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AHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. THE FAN WHO PUNCHED THAT STEVENAGE PLAYER IN THE FACE -- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!!? TRY DOING THAT TO ME AND I WILL KNOCK YOUR TEETH OUT WITH A HAMMER I MADE OUT OF OTHER HUMAN TEETH!!!!!!!!!! I WILL THEN ADD YOUR TEETH TO MY HAMMER AND MAKE AN EVEN BIGGER TOOTH HAMMER!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. RYAN BABEL GETTING IN TROUBLE FOR A TWEET -- THIS IS WHY TECHNOLOGY IS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT GETS YOU IN TROUBLE FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER!!!!!!!!!!! JUST YESTERDAY I WAS TRYING TO STAB MY NEW BLU RAY PLAYER WITH A FORK AND IT ELECTROCUTED ME AND I PASSED OUT FOR LIKE EIGHT HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH IT'S SAME THING AS WHAT BABEL IS GOING THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. FRANCK RIBERY PIGGY-BACK RIDES -- I DO NOT LIKE PIGGY-BACK RIDES!!!!!! IF YOU'RE GOING TO PUT ME ON YOUR BACK AND RUN AROUND YOU BETTER BE PREPARED TO HAVE ME SCREAM IN YOUR EAR UNTIL YOU PUT ME DOWN AND MY VOCAL CHORDS MELT LIKE ICE CREAM IN A HOT TUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT THE MORE I REALIZE THAT TWITTER IS DEFINITELY A TOOL OF THE CORN TO HELP IT ENSLAVE MANKIND!!!!!!!! THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!! WHY ELSE WOULD IT LIMIT YOU TO 140 CHARACTERS BESIDES AS WAY TO DIVERT YOUR ATTENTION FROM THE EVIL BUTTERY KERNELS OF DOOM?!!??!?!?!??!! THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO OTHER LOGICAL EXPLANATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. THE "INVALID VOTES" FOR THE BALLON D'OR -- EVERY INVALID VOTE WAS FOR THE CORN!!!!!!!!! MARK VAN BOMMEL AND THE OTHERS WHO HAD THEIR VOTES MADE INVALID AND HIDDEN ARE ALL UNDER THE CORN'S MIND CONTROL!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE NOT FAR FROM THE DAY WHEN CORN WINS THE BALLON D'OR AND CELEBRATES BY FEEDING YOUR GRANDMOTHER FERTILITY DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST GAVE MYSELF A HORRIBLE MENTAL IMAGE THAT IS PROBABLY GOING TO MAKE ME VOMIT PLASTIC GRAPES LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. JOSE MOURINHO CRYING -- STOP IT NOW!!!!!!!!! THE ONLY TIMES IT IS ACCEPTABLE TO CRY IS WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING THE LITTLE MERMAID OR WHEN YOU'RE LISTENING TO TAYLOR SWIFT SING LIKE AN ANGEL ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS TO BE A 15 YEAR OLD!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU CRY AT ANYTHING ELSE YOU ARE NOT A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. RONALDINHO'S UNVEILING AT FLAMENGO -- THAT ONE GUY'S MASK IS HORRIFYING!!!!!!!! HORRIFYING!!!!!!!!!!!!! AFTER SEEING IT I DRANK THREE BOTTLES OF PAINT THINNER BUT IT COULDN'T ERASE THAT IMAGE FROM MY MIND!!!!!!!! THEN I REMEMBERED THE GRANDMOTHERS ON FERTILITY DRUGS AND I VOMITED THE PAINT THINNER AND THE PLASTIC GRAPES!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S RIGHT I ATE SOME PLASTIC GRAPES!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I KNOW THEY TASTE AWFUL BUT THEY ALWAYS LOOK SO DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!

8. ROY KEANE'S MANAGERIAL GENIUS -- I LIKE THE WAY HE OPERATES!!!!!!!!!!!! IF MY MANAGER EVER SLAMMED ME AGAINST THE WALL AND CHALLENGED ME TO FIGHT HIM I WOULD RESPECT THAT MAN FOREVER!!!!!!!!! AND THEN I WOULD BEAT HIM WITH A STOP SIGN UNTIL HE DECLARED ME THE NEW HIGHLANDER!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS SEARCHING THE INTERNET FOR PICTURES OF PATIO FURNITURE BECAUSE I THREW ALL MINE AT BOATS AS THEY PASSED THROUGH THIS ONE BRIDGE AND MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI AND HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS JUST WALKED INTO MY HOUSE LIKE THEY OWNED THE PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD THEM IT WAS A PLEASANT SURPRISE TO SEE THEM BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO THEY WOULD KNOW THAT I PLAN ON INSTALLING BEAR TRAPS LACED WITH HERPES SO IF THEY EVER DO IT AGAIN THEY WILL PAY!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY ASKED ME IF I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO DINNER WITH THEM BUT I TOLD THEM I WAS BUSY LOOKING FOR NEW PATIO FURNITURE SINCE I USED MINE TO DO MINOR DAMAGE TO AT LEAST FOUR DIFFERENT BOATS!!!!!!!!!! THEY SAID "MAYBE NEXT TIME" AND I SAID "SURE!!!!!!!" BUT I REALLY MEANT NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE THEY ALL GOT VERY MILD CASES OF FOOD POISONING AND IT TOOK THEM A FEW MINUTES LONGER TO FALL ASLEEP THAN USUAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Photo: SE/East News

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