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Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Olivier Giroud Goal Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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AHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY AT EXACTLY 3:37:05 ON SATURDAY AFTERNOON!!!!!!!!!!!

1. OLIVIER GIROUD'S FIRST GOAL — FIRST THE MATCH STARTED 15 MINUTES LATE BECAUSE I HEADBUTTED ONE MOVING TRAIN AS A PART OF MY PRE-MATCH CALMING EXERCISE AND IT SOMEHOW RUINED THE ENTIRE PICADILLY LINE BECAUSE LONDON TRAINS ARE APPARENTLY MADE OF OLD HOOBASTANK CDS PASTED TOGETHER BY SCHOOL CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS MADE ME FEEL GUILTY AND I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO GO TO CONFESSION WITH MY PERSONAL PRIEST — FATHER APOCALYPSE — OR MAKE EVERY FRUSTRATED TRAVELER AN APOLOGY HAMMER SO THAT'S WHAT I WAS DEALNG WITH BEFORE THE MATCH EVEN STARTED!!!!!!!!!!

2. OLIVIER GIROUD'S FIRST GOAL PART II — THE FIRST 20 MINUTES OF THE MATCH WERE OBVIOUSLY HORRIBLE BUT I WAS ABLE TO MAINTAIN BY HOLDING BY BREATH THE ENTIRE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS HELPED ME FOCUS FOR ABOUT TWO OR THREE MINUTES BUT THEN I STARTED HALLUCINATING THAT MY HANDS WERE MADE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S MOVEMBER MUSTACHES AND THAT WAS TERRIFYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. OLIVIER GIROUD'S FIRST GOAL PART III — WHEN I LOOKED UP FROM MY MUSTACHE HANDS TO SEE GIROUD COMING TOWARDS ME THE BALL WAS AT MY FEET AND I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THOUGHT "WHY IS THIS MALE MODEL RUNNING AT ME?!?!?!?!?! IS THIS A FASHION SHOW?!???!?!?! I BETTER DO SOMETHING FANCY WITH THE BALL TO ENTERTAIN KARL LAGERFELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TIME TO DO A STEPOVER!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH THAT DIDN'T WORK I'LL TRY IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH THAT DIDN'T WORK I'LL TRY IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH THAT DIDN'T WORK AND NOW I'M ON THE GROUND AND GIROUD IS SCORING A GOAL AND EVERYONE IS LAUGHING AT ME JUST AFTER I DISCOVERED THE PERFECT AMOUNT OF TIME TO MICROWAVE MY HEAD ENOUGH TO FORGET ABOUT ASMIR BEGOVIC'S GOAL AGINST ME A FEW WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

4. CORN — OF COURSE THE CORN WOULD TAKE THE FORM OF A HANDSOME FRENCHMAN TO EXACT ITS ULTIMATE REVENGE AGAINST ME FOR WARNING THE PUBLIC AGAINST ITS PLOT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD ALL THESE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW COULD I NOT SEE THAT COMING?!?!?!???! THE CORN CAN SHAPESHIFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH IT CAN DISGUISE ITS HIDEOUS KERNELS AND INFECT YOU WITH ITS BUTTERY DESTRUCTION AT ANY MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. OLIVIER GIROUD'S FIRST GOAL PART IV — I HATE FASHION SHOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MUSTACHE HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. OLIVIER GIROUD'S FIRST GOAL PART V — AS SOON AS HE SCORED IT I THOUGHT "GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW HE'S PROBABLY GOING TO CONVERT A PENALTY IN THE 86TH MINUTE AND WE'LL LOSE 2-0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" AHHHHHHHHHHH EVEN WHEN I'M RIGHT IT'S AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. OLIVIER GIROUD'S FIRST GOAL PART VI — I ALSO KNEW THAT ARSENAL GOALKEEPER AND MY POLAND TEAMMATE WOJCIECH SZCZESNY WOULD SAY SOMETHING REALLY ANNOYING TO ME AFTER THE MATCH ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMETHING LIKE "DON'T WORRY ARTUR IT HAPPENS TO ALL OF US" BUT IN A CONDESCENDING WAY THAT LETS YOU KNOW HE THINKS HE DOESN'T DO THINGS LIKE THIS EVEN THOUGH HE DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE WOJCIECH!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SMELL LIKE CAT FOOD THAT'S BEEN MARINATED IN LYNX BODY SPRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. OLIVIER GIROUD'S FIRST GOAL PART VII — I THOUGHT THAT IF I COMPARED MY MOVES TO THE CRUYFF TURN ON INSTAGRAM AND SAID "CLOSE ENOUGH!!!!!!" PEOPLE WOULD LAUGH WITH ME INSTEAD OF AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT I DIDN'T TAKE INTO ACCOUNT HOW HARD IT IS TO TELL THE EXACT LEVEL OF CRUELTY IN LAUGHTER WITHOUT INVENTING A SCIENCE MACHINE THAT DOES THAT SORT OF THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH WHY DOES THAT NOT EXIST?!?!?!?!?!?!???! YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WORST SCIENCE!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU MAKE CORN STRONGER WHILE LEAVING PEOPLE'S LAUGHTER MADDENINGLY AMBIGUOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S COLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI — MY FINAL THOUGHT IN THAT MOMENT WAS THE PERSONAL HELL I WOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH WHEN I GOT HOME AND SAW MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI AND POSSIBLY ONE OR BOTH OF HIS GOOBER KIDS WAITING FOR ME OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNEW THEY WERE ALL WATCHING THE GAME SO THEY WOULD GIVE ME THEIR SAD GOOBER LOOKS AS SOON AS I SAW THEM AND THAT WOULD IMMEDIATELY MAKE ME WANT TO PUNCH A FROZEN TURKEY INTO SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAN WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE "SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED ARTUR" AND I WOULD SAY "THANK YOU DAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" EXCEPT I WOULD SAY IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I WOULD RATHER LIE TO TAYLOR SWIFT'S ANGELIC FACE ABOUT HOW MUCH I ADORE HER MUSIC THAN LISTEN TO HIM TALK ABOUT MY FOOTBALL MISTAKES LIKE A PET DOLPHIN THAT DIED SAVING THE LIVES OF THE ENTIRE CAST OF THE LITTLE MERMAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH WHY COULDN'T THIS HAVE HAPPENED TO WOJCIECH SZCZESNY INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST FOR 3:37:05 ON SATURDAY AFTERNOON. GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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