Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. STANDING BEHIND ME -- I HATE WHEN PEOPLE STAND BEHIND ME!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME YOU SHOULD STAND IN FRONT OF ME SO I CAN MAKE DIRECT EYE CONTACT FOR UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PERIODS OF TIME AND CRANE KICK YOU IN THE CHIN IF YOU SAY ANYTHING THAT IS OFFENSIVE OR BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. CLUB TIJUANA'S MASCOT -- I WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH IT AND LIFT WEIGHTS WHILE WATCHING ART FILMS TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!! WE CAN TALK ABOUT PUNCHING THINGS WHEN WE DON'T WANT EACH OTHER TO NOTICE THAT WE HAVE TEARS IN OUR EYES AND EAT OMELETS IN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH I WANT THAT SO BAD!!!!!!!!!

3. MARCUS HAHNEMANN COLABORATING WITH A HEAVY METAL BAND -- WHY CAN'T THIS BE ME?!??!?!?!? I GUARANTEE I AM BETTER HEADBANGER THAN HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LAST NIGHT I WAS HEADBANGING TO TAYLOR SWIFT SONGS AND I DID IT SO HARD THAT I PUT THE AIR IN A COMA AND STARTED A SMALL FIRE JUST FROM MY RAPID NECK MOVEMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ALSO PAINTED A MODEL SAILBOAT BUT THAT WAS COMPLETELY UNRELATED!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- IF YOU EVER MEET A PERSON NAMED AFTER THIS VILE AND PERVERSE DEMON VEGETABLE YOU SHOULD RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN INTO A GROUP OF SMALL CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WON'T PROTECT YOU FROM THE CORN PERSON BUT IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE A HUMAN BOWLING BALL AND THEY'RE TINY HUMAN BOWLING PINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST BE SURE TO BUY THEM ICE CREAM AND PAY FOR THEIR COMPLETE EDUCATION AFTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. PEPE STEPPING ON MESSI'S HAND -- YOU MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STEPPING ON PEOPLE'S HANDS IS NOT HOW YOU DEAL WITH YOUR FRUSTRATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TYPING AS LOUD AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN ABOUT THE THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU ONCE A WEEK IS A MUCH MORE CONSTRUCTIVE WAY OF HANDLING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! UNTIL YOU GET SO WORKED UP WHILE DO IT THAT YOU SMASH YOUR COMPUTER WITH YOUR TEETH!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH I GO THROUGH SO MANY COMPUTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND TEETH!!!!!!!!!

6. FIFA DEMANDING THAT BRAZIL LET THEM SERVE BEER AT THE WORLD CUP -- THAT'S FINE AND DANDY BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PAINT THINNER?!!??!?!?!?! I KNOW I CAN ALWAYS BRING MY OWN BUT IT TASTES SO MUCH BETTER FROM A TAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. 20,000 KIDS AT AN AJAX MATCH -- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. FAN SMASHING A BALL AGAINST A GOALKEEPER'S HEAD -- IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO THIS TO ME USE A FISHBOWL INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WOULD BE THE HIGHEST COMPLIMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- HE'S HERE AT MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW AND I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE SAID IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE TALKED SO HE ASKED HOW I'VE BEEN DOING AND SAID "I'M FINE DAN!!!!!!!!!!!" BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT WHEN HE TALKS IT MAKES ME WANT TO JUMP INTO A SEPTIC TANK LINED WITH MILITARY GRADE EXPLOSIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH HE WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH HE VALUES OUR FRIENDSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE IF I MAKE HIM SOME PANCAKES SO DELICIOUS THAT HIS TONGUE FORGETS GEOMETRY HE'LL SHUT UP AND GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!