Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. DELIO ROSSI ATTACKING ADEM LJAJIC IN THE DUGOUT -- THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE DISHEARTENED TO BE A MEMBER OF THIS FIORENTINA TEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN WHY COULDN'T IT BE ME?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?! ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED WAS FOR MY MANAGER TO VICIOUSLY ATTACK ME DURING A MATCH AND IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN ALL LJAJIC HAS TO DO IS GIVE ROSSI A SARCASTIC CLAP AND SUDDENLY HE'S ON HIM LIKE MAYONNAISE ON DIMITAR BERBATOV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH I THINK I'M GETTING A JEALOUSLY RASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. DELIO ROSSI'S APOLOGY FOR SACKING LJAJIC -- HE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!! THE TEAM NEEDED A KICK IN THE PANTS SO ROSSI GAVE LJAJIC A SLAP ON THE HEAD!!!!!!!!! REPEATEDLY!!!!!!!!!!! WHILE TRYING TO STRANGLE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ONLY THING I REGRET IS THAT NOW THAT DELIO IS GONE THE NEW MANAGER PROBABLY WON'T BE NEARLY AS A WILLING TO FIGHT HIS PLAYERS DURING MATCHES!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS DISAPPOINTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. LJAJIC'S FATHER WANTING TO PRESS CHARGES AGAINST ROSSI --  THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AN OLD MAN ATTACKS A 20-YEAR-OLD FOR BEING A DISRESPECTFUL ELBOW LICKER AND THEN THE ELBOW LICKER'S FATHER HOLDS A PRESS CONFERENCE TO SAY HE WANTS TO SUE THE OLD MAN EVEN THOUGH ITALIAN LAW SAYS THAT HE CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT HAPPENED TO PEOPLE SETTLING THEIR DIFFERENCES BY BUYING EACH OTHER REALLY THOUGHTFUL GIFTS AND THEN STOMPING ON THEM IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER WHILE SHOUTING LYRICS FROM ALANIS MORISSETTE SONGS ABOUT THAT GUY SHE DATED WHO WAS ON FULL HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- CLEARLY DELIO ROSSI WAS DRIVEN MAD BY THE KERNELED MENACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TRIED TO BURN DOWN OUR DRESSING ROOM SO THE INFECTION WOULDN'T SPREAD BUT ALL I HAD WERE THOSE LITTLE SNAPPER FIREWORK THINGS THAT YOU THROW ON THE GROUND AND THEY DO NOTHING TO DRYWALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE THE CORN SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. SERIOUSLY -- SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I AM REALLY UPSET ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW COULD I NOT BE INVOLVED IN THE FIORENTINA FIGHT AT ALL!?!?!?!??!?!?!?! I EVEN GAVE IT AN ALLITERATIVE NAME!!!!!!!! NOW I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT FOR CARRYING A GOALKEEPER'S GLOVE FULL OF COINS WITH ME WHEREVER I GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. OTHER STUFF -- THERE WAS OTHER STUFF THAT HAPPENED BUT I WAS TOO PREOCCUPIED WITH ALL OF THIS TO CARE ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THINK MAYBE SOMEONE CUT THEMSELVES SHAVING AND THE ZOMBIE TURTLE APOCALYPSE MIGHT HAVE STARTED I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT A NEWSPAPER!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM A DISENCHANTED GOALKEEPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. PFFFFFFT -- I'M MAKING A NOISE TO TRY AND SHOW HOW LITTLE I CARE BUT BY EXPLAINING IT LIKE THAT I'M PROBABLY SHOWING THAT DEEP DOWN I REALLY DO CARE!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH BEING A HUMAN IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS WRITING THE FIRST SEVEN THINGS ON THIS LIST WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CAME OVER!!!!!!!!!!!! HE SAID HE HEARD I WAS UPSET ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED -- OR WHAT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO ME -- AND HE SAID THAT IF IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER HE WOULD CHARGE AT ME LIKE ROSSI DID TO LJAJIC!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SAID "THANKS DAN THAT WOULD BE REALLY SWEET OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!" EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I REALLY MEANT "BRING IT ON YOU GOOBER KID SPAWNING HONKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" WITHOUT WARNING DAN THEN CHARGED AT ME EXCEPT HE DIDN'T SEE THE GOALKEEPER'S GLOVE FULL OF COINS ON THE FLOOR AND HE TRIPPED OVER IT AND HE SKINNED HIS KNEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S WHY I LAUGHED EARLIER!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE ENDED UP NOT ATTACKING ME AFTER THAT BUT IT WAS THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH I HOPE THE BANDAID I GAVE HIM HAS ADHESIVE PROBLEMS AND ANNOYS HIM OVER THE NEXT FEW DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!