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Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Artur on the phone in his office.

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. LOOKING FOR A NEW CLUB -- SO I TOOK THE SUMMER OFF FROM WRITING RAGE LISTS AND FIGHTING THE CORN TO FOCUS MY VIOLENT FURY ON FINDING A NEW CLUB TO PLAY FOR AND DOING HOUSEHOLD CHORES FOR THE ELDERLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT I HAVE YET TO FIND A CLUB THAT WILL PAY ME IN URANIUM OR AN OLD PERSON WHO CAN BEAT ME IN A HEADBUTT COMPETITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS SUMMER HAS BEEN AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. MAN CITY REVEALING THAT THEY ONCE ACCIDENTALLY BID FOR MESSI -- THIS MAKES ME ANGRY BECAUSE I KNOW EXACTLY HOW IT FEELS TO ACCIDENTALLY DO SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE TIME I ACCIDENTALLY SENT A BIRTHDAY CARD TO A PERSON I SWORE I WOULD NEVER SPEAK TO AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY LATER THANKED ME FOR IT AND SAID THEY DIDN'T EXPECT IT AT ALL AND NOW WE'RE BETTER FRIENDS THAN WE EVER WERE BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS THE WORST MISTAKE I HAVE EVER MADE IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. RANGERS IN THE THIRD DIVISION -- WHEN I WAS AT CELTIC I STOLE RANGERS' IDENTITY AND THEN I HAD SEVERAL NEW CREDIT CARDS MADE UP AND THEN I GAVE THEM TO HOMELESS PEOPLE IN GLASGOW AROUND CHRISTMASTIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHY RANGERS WENT BROKE!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE OF MY MASTER PLAN AND THE EXTRAVAGANT TASTES OF SCOTLAND'S HOBOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- WHILE I HAVE BEEN BUSY TRYING NOT TO DROPKICK FOOTBALL CLUB CHAIRMEN ACROSS EUROPE INTO A POOL OF HEMORRHOIDS OVER THE LAST TWO MONTHS THE CORN MENACE HAS GONE UNCHECKED!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO KNOWS HOW STRONG IT HAS GROWN IN THE ABSENCE OF MY VIGILANT WATCH!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST REALIZED THAT THE REASON I CAN'T FIND A NEW CLUB MIGHT BE BECAUSE THE KERNELED TYRANTS HAVE COMPLETED THEIR TAKEOVER OF FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS A DISASTER!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNEW I SHOULD'VE  BECOME A REALTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. MAN UNITED MISSPELLING ANDERSON'S NAME ON HIS SHIRT -- THIS IS THE ULTIMATE SHOW OF DISRESPECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF ANY CLUB I PLAY FOR EVER MISSPELLS MY NAME I WILL STAB THEM ALL WITH A BOLO TIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. ANDRE SANTOS LEADING POLICE ON A 130 MPH CHASE -- BREAKING THE LAW IS NEVER OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LAST NIGHT I HAD A DREAM THAT I WAS CHASING THE POLICE AT 130 MPH EXCEPT I WAS ON FOOT AND THEY WERE DRIVING SPEED BOATS!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN I WOKE UP I HAD SEAWEED IN MY SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE FINDING SEAWEED IN MY SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. COLOGNE'S MANAGER TELLING FANS TO HAVE SEX IN THE STANDS -- THIS IS DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY SINCE CLUBS STILL REFUSE TO TRY MY PROMOTIONAL IDEA OF HAVING A FREE MACE DAY WHERE EVERY FAN GETS A CONTAINER OF WEAPONS GRADE MACE UPON ENTRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH MY EYEYS ARE BURNING WITH DELIGHT JUST AT THE THOUGHT OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. PAOK AND RAPID VIENNA FANS HAVING A FLARE FIGHT -- HOW COULD YOU DO THIS WITHOUT ME?!!??!?!?!??!??!?!?! THIS IS WHY I FEEL SO ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS UNLEASHING AN ATOMIC BLAST OF VERBAL ABUSE ON THE SUN FOR ALTERING THE COLOR OF MY SKIN WITHOUT MY PERMISSION WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CAME OVER AND ASKED HOW THE JOB HUNT WAS COMING!!!!!!!!!!!! AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! EVERY DAY SINCE MY FIORENTINA CONTRACT ENDED DAN HAS ASKED ME THIS QUESTION AND EVERY DAY I WANT TO SMASH MY FOREHEAD INTO A TELEVISION MADE OF SHARK TEETH AND PUBLIC NUDITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO I TOLD HIM THAT "I'M STILL WORKING AT IT" EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I WOULD RATHER BE TALKING TO HIS GOOBER KIDS ABOUT WHETHER A BEE COULD BEAT UP A WASP AND HE SAID "WELL GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT" LIKE HE SAYS EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE HE GETS A WEIRD FORM OF AMNESIA WHERE HE ONLY FORGETS MY CURRENT EMPLOYMENT STATUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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